I Am an Overcomer

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

As many of you know, my Grandma passed away a few months ago.  She was ready to leave this earth after almost 86 years here, living the good Christian life that she had.  I miss her each and every day.  I miss the quick daily phone calls, just to check up on one another as much as I miss the long, deep conversations we still would often have.  She was my "go to" person in my times of need.  Yes, I was married to Mike and now Kevin, but Grandma "knew" me from birth... all the joys and all the hurt in my entire life.  Because I was raised by my grandparents, I had a deeper relationship with her than most people would with their grandmother.  I could talk with her about anything and she would not necessarily need to give me advice.   Her listening ear was always enough.   She could just listen and say, "oh, honey... oh, honey..."  Just hearing her voice and knowing she loved me like she did was enough. She had a sense of calming to her.  I knew she loved me with all of her heart and could comfort me in my time of need. 


Saying all of that, she is the one who introduced me to Jesus when I was a child.  I have needed Jesus from day one.  I found out just how much I needed Jesus six years ago today when Mike died.  Grandma was the person to call me on that day to tell me the news.  As I traveled down the interstate with excitement to be going on my daughter's fourth grade field trip, I got the call.  I will never forget her words to me.  I thought that day, as I stood along the road, "How am I going to survive?"  I have.  I am a survivor, I am an overcomer.  I have made it to the sixth anniversary of my husband's death, an anniversary I thought was not possible standing there that day.  I couldn't bear the thought of driving home and not seeing my husband again.  How was this possible?  My good life, a great husband with three daughters, living the American dream... boom... gone? 


Grandma became my rock after Mike died, or at least I thought she would, however instead she pointed me closer to Christ.  In my previous blog posts I have mentioned how I seemed to put Mike above the Lord as my rock, until he died.  Grandma knew me, remember, my ENTIRE life... she knew my fears and she knew my needs.  She came in alongside me and helped me, but led me closer to the One who could take my fears away and heal my broken heart.  She didn't try to do it herself.  Being a mom, I know we want to take the pain from our kids, but we can't sometimes.  It's through our relationship with Christ that we can guide the hurt to the Healer.  And, for me, that is what she did.  We would sit up for hours on end sometimes at night (she stayed overnight with the girls and me often) and talk and cry.  There were so many days that I would think, "How could I live without this woman?"  There were times when I never would have wanted to live without her here with me, but I am.  And, I am okay. 


As I go through my day, thinking back on "the day Mike died", I will find a glimpse of sadness in my heart, I know.  However, it's not where sadness stays and resides.  We had a wonderful life together.  I still get to look at our daughters each and every day and see him in them.  I will be praising the Lord today for Mike, my Grandma, and the healing that has happened in my spirit, soul, and body since that day six years ago.  I serve a God that loves me so much and only wants the best for me.  Today, the best for me is being with family and friends that love me and our girls.  A few weeks after Grandma died, my oldest daughter said to me, "Mommy, you are okay.  This isn't like when Daddy died."  It sure isn't, not at all.  Grandma was ready to go to eternal rest; Daddy was raising a family and loving life here. 


Her words made me think about grief, though.  What is "normal" grief?  Everyone grieves differently.  We need to respect that we are all different and that is okay, as long as it is a healthy grief, not staying in the sadness every moment.  I am blessed to have the gift of a second husband, one that comes alongside me during days such as this.  He is not jealous of Mike in any way and is always there with a shoulder to cry on or anything else I need.  With Grandma not being here now, I can walk in faith knowing that I have "grieved well".  Without Mike, and without Grandma, I am a survivor, I am an overcomer. 

Twentieth Wedding Anniversary

"A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."

Eph 5:31

Twenty years ago today was a day filled with butterflies in my stomach, hopes, and dreams of being married for the rest of my life to the one I would be saying "I do" to later that day. There was about a foot of snow on the ground and the temperatures were below zero!  But, the day was perfect in every way.

Twenty years of marriage never happened for us.  We were married over fourteen when our wedding vow, "until death do us part" became reality.

Today I will be celebrating the years we had together...alone, without Mike.  Yes, I am remarried and have Kevin here by my side. However, please hear and understand this...an anniversary is between a husband and a wife.  No one else cares about this special day like the two of you.  An anniversary is not like a birthday, not everyone in your family or your circle of friends is as excited about this special day as you and your spouse.  For this very reason, such a big and special day as today is even harder.  I am thinking about the memories of our wedding day and the fourteen years of marriage we had, while no one else on this earth has any idea about it. 

My sweet husband has been so very supportive this past week.  He knew this day was coming and it may be a hard one for me.  He has sent me the kindest text messages and we have had many talks about the marriage that ended too soon.  This morning before Kevin left for work, he told me that he wished that it was him and I celebrating our twentieth  wedding anniversary today, but then he ended with, "we will have many more anniversaries than twenty." 


It's almost unbelievable for me to think about my life the past twenty years.  I feel like I have lived two lives.  Honestly, I do.  Mike and I grew up together, meeting at the age of 19, marrying, and having three daughters together.  Kevin and I are raising those daughters and are growing old together.  All in different towns with different family and friends surrounding us.


I miss Mike and on our anniversary I think about him, our marriage, and the dreams that ended too soon more than any other day of the year.   I will continue to "live his legacy" for years to come with our daughters.  God was so good to us.  I am blessed to have had Mike as my husband.  Today I will reflect on all of the good times and memories we shared. I have confidence we will spend eternal life together with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

"The Answer To All My Prayers"

"The Answer Is You"

"As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one."  Eph 5:31

Three years ago today, I became a wife again.  My girls and I had been praying for this day to come.  As Kevin put it this morning, it's been the best three years of his life.  Which I couldn't agree more.  You may be thinking, really?  How could she say that and compare the past three years of marriage to her first marriage of fourteen years?  Well, I was just asked this same question at my bible study a few weeks ago.  Kevin and I attended a study by Emerson Eggerichs, "Love and Respect".  The leader asked me if I ever compare Kevin to Mike.  I do, sometimes.  It's all in the difference of how we may solve conflict or raise children.  Neither good or bad either way.  Just different.  I see myself as much more mature in life.  More seasoned.  Not taking life for granted.  Enjoying the small things. It's a different life than I thought I would have, but it's a great life.   It bothers me to talk about our life together to other widows, I have such empathy for the journey they are on.  Such a lonely, hard journey.  However, I remember finding great hope from other widows who had remarried.  So, today...I pray for our story to touch those who need hope like I did and to take the next step.


A few weeks ago, I read a story about a widow remarrying and it really hit home with me.  "I may be remarried, but I'm still a widow. One [marriage] does not cancel out the other. I can be both a wife to a man on this earth whom I love and the widow to a man I fulfilled my vows to - a man I will always love. I [have] loved and lost, grieved and grown, survived and thrived."  To read the rest of the article, you can find it in the Huffington Post by Michelle Steinke.

Kevin and I decided that our wedding would be very small and intimate.  We only had our immediate family with a few close friends there.  Halfway through the ceremony, he surprised me with a song.  A song that he had been preparing for me for our wedding.  He wrote it while he had breaks at work and would jot down lyrics, practicing at night while playing his guitar.  I have the torn up, chicken-scratch paper framed in our bedroom.  He thought it was trash, I thought it was a treasure!  He is very talented and what an amazing shock it was to me that he had written a song for our wedding.  As he started to sing, I was thrilled.  As the song continued, it was such a reflection of our short, yet wonderful life together.  I share this song on my blog today, as many have asked to hear it through the past three years.  It is a treasure to me...and so is he! 

 

                               

Happy 85th Birthday, Grandma!

                                               




Love, unconditional love. 


These words are precious to me, without them....where would I be? 


Today marks my Grandma's 85th birthday.  She is the woman everyone that knows her adores her.  She is the woman that sacrificed her entire life for me.  She taught me all about honesty, integrity, laughter, hard work, and unconditional love.  I was blessed enough to live with her and my Grandpa from a very young age, when raising a grandchild wasn't as common as it is today.  They did it with such grace and love. 


We laughed a lot through the years as my Grandma has the greatest sense of humor, and we cried some through the years as she felt every sadness that entered my life.  She was always there for me, to talk with, to cry with, to laugh with.  She has shared all the joys of my life and all of the sadness right along with me.  I always knew I could ask her to come into my room and talk, then, once I got married, I could pop down to their house and chat, and even now, living almost an hour away, I know she is a phone call away.  I still need her everyday.  She is a light that never goes out.  She has helped me so incredibly much these past five years, especially since Mike died, all but moving in with the girls and me.  She understood the need and did whatever she could, from folding laundry to babysitting, to staying up late with me to have someone to pour my heart out to. 


I don't know many other people that love and serve others as my Grandma does.  She always has helped others above herself.  She knows no stranger and would give anyone anything, if she had it.  She is a faithful woman not only to her family and friends, but to the Lord.  I grew up in a home where Jesus was spoken of and I was taught His ways.  I am grateful for the teaching I received at such an early age.  We have such a bond, a bond that is a blessing from above. 


I hope and pray that I become more like Grandma everyday.  I want to pour the love into my family like she has done to hers.  My hope is for this love to flow from generation to generation down the line of our family, all because of her.  Grandma is a prayer warrior, praying for all who she knows and loves. 


God blessed me with such an amazing woman in my life and I call her "Grandma". 

God Has Never Left

                                     Celebrating God's Presence


Five years of my life is gone, done, over... since I last saw my husband.  This is a huge milestone to be celebrating.  Did I just say celebrate?  Yes, I did.  I am celebrating the fact that I have made it this far without him.  Through God's love and grace, I am here...thriving.  I am celebrating his entrance to Heaven as well, the most awesome sight.  As I was left devastated, my dear husband was entering paradise. 


Where has God been in the past five years?

Where was God as I stood at the side of my van on the interstate and screamed after getting the call?  He was holding me in His loving arms.


Where was God as I looked into my three girls' eyes and told them their daddy had died and met Jesus?
He was giving me the strength to say the right words.


Where was God as I buried the man I loved and said "until death do us part" to?
He was there leading me through the burial decisions and comforting me in knowing we had a great marriage and lived with no regrets.


Where was God as I started a journey of single parenting?
He was their Father, and I had to learn to lean on God more throughout the day than ever before.


Where was God as I cried my heart out in the shower at night so the girls wouldn't hear or see me?
He was there catching every tear and speaking words of love to me.


Where was God when all of my friends had a spouse to hold them at night?
He was there, in my loneliness.


Where was God when I knew I wanted to become a wife again?
He sat right beside me as I filled out my online dating profile.


Where was God when I said, "until death do us part" for the second time in my life?
He was right there.


Sovereign.
Never will He leave me.
Always by my side.

Friends Forevermore

             Friendship isn't a big thing, it's a million little things.


I have always been surrounded with many, many, friends.  I grew up in a small town and went through years of school with my friends. I added friends along the way through my church, my children's friends, and often times an acquaintance became a very close friend.  Some of my closest Facebook "friends" I have never even met and some don't even know that I was a widow. Friendship comes in so many ways and capacities.  I cherish each and every friendship God has brought into my life, if it was for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Shortly after we moved, I realized how much I took my friendships from back home for granted.  I could run across town to see any one of them anytime I wanted, or a lot of times a friend would pop in for a quick cup of coffee and a visit, or a much needed cry.  Some of my best friends still live in my hometown, and I love them all dearly.  I miss being able to see them as often, but I know they are a phone call away. They have always been there for me, no matter the circumstance.

I have Facebook friends that I became extremely close to because we were in the same Christian Widow Group, but have never met.  Yet, I share such a close bond with these women.  We have shared the same heartaches, struggles, frustrations, joys, and milestones. We will always have a special bond.

I am going to be brutally honest here...I was so sad and empty many days after we moved, missing my friends dearly. I tried to make trips back to my hometown to "connect" with friends, leaving town sometimes even more sad.  I would often lay in my husband's arms at night in bed and cry like a baby.  I knew that I was where God wanted me to be, here in a new town, married to an amazing man by my side.  But, the emptiness inside could only be filled with friendship. 

I met a really good friend of mine through an answered prayer, one I didn't even know existed.  I always pray for the girls to be placed in a classroom at the beginning of the year with the teacher that God would want for them.  Little did I know as my baby entered Kindergarten, I would meet an amazing friend, her teacher, through volunteering in her classroom.  We started meeting weekly for a Bible Study, walking, and just growing our friendship.  I will always cherish our friendship.

Once again, God came at the perfect time in my life with the blessing of friendship.

During our burn and skin graft hardship (see previously posted blog entry), a home health care nurse came to our house.  In getting to know her, she invited me to a Bible Study in a town about 15 minutes away, a very small town, just like my hometown.  She knew exactly how I felt about missing my friends.  She also had to move and leave her friends behind.  It's hard to go from running an errand and only seeing people you know to running errands and never seeing anyone you know.  She got it!  She will always hold a special place in my heart for listening to God that day and inviting me.  I have met some wonderful friends along the way from that study.  It's a big circle of friends that know one another and serve one another.  A text, phone call, Facebook message goes so far in getting a group together to "just be us"....wives, moms, daughters of the King, whatever it may be, we cherish the time we have together. 

Only God knew that I lived around the corner from a dear sister that I call friend.  God knew we needed one another and our past was so similar.  The leader of the Bible Study introduced us, and now she's one of the best friends I've ever had.

My friendships here are so different.  As I get older I see friendships change.  Our lives become more and more active as our children become older and our friendships can come in last place.  I love each and every friend I have. If it wasn't for my friends, I would be living in a very lonely world.  Yesterday as I taught Children's Church, our memory verse was from Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times." Our story was the story of David and Jonathan, which can be found in I Samuel.  As I close, I leave you with these thoughts found in my Bible under the "Daily Walk".

Have you found a Jonathan in your Christian life:

• someone who knows you fully and accepts you completely?
• someone with whom you can share your deepest hurts?
• someone who will listen without lecturing...comfort without condemning...encourage without criticizing?
• someone who will defend you when you're not around?
• someone whose greatest joy comes from your happiness?
• someone who watches out for your well-being, even at the potential risk of his own?
• someone who grieves when you are grieved, rejoices when you are promoted, bleeds when you are wounded? 

Where Were You April 29, 2010?

I am writing this on April 28, a day before "the day" that seems to creep up on me all year long.  I always seem to prepare for how I will feel, who I will be with, and how my girls will react to the "date" when I remind them.  Tomorrow, April 29th, marks the 4th anniversary of Mike's death.  The day that changed our lives forever (and may have changed your life), and the day the girls and I like to remember as "The day Daddy met Jesus".  The past few weeks have been a little harder than normal.  When my sweet 9-year-old is missing Daddy "Mac" at bedtime more every night and doesn't know why, I remind her why.  This time of year is such a blessing with God's goodness all around us.  The flowers and trees are blooming, yards are starting to be mowed, the sun is rising earlier and the days are getting longer.  It reminds us all of spring.  To the girls and I spring rings in the memory of Daddy dying.  I have always loved spring, and still do.  It reminds me of new life after a long winter.  So, in a sweet sense, for Mike to die in the spring and have a new life in Heaven with our precious Lord is perfect.

His death has taught us so much about life, ourselves, our relationships with others, and, most importantly, our relationship with the Lord.  He became my husband and our rock.  You all know the blessings God has poured out upon the girls and me, especially the blessing of a new husband and daddy.  So today I want to write about my thoughts and views about Mike's death...the why.

I wish I knew the why of Mike dying at 46 years old, leaving me a widow at 36 years old with a 10, 5, and 2 year old, but if I get caught up in the why, then I am not trusting God.  I am a believer in Jesus Christ, as was Mike, which makes me believe that He was there with Mike in the car the day of the accident.  Jesus didn't leave him for a second.  He didn't not watch over him and BAM...he hit a semi and died!  Jesus NEVER left!  I believe Mike's days were numbered and God knew that on April 29th, 2010, he would be coming home.  I believe that we all have free will, however, and because of free will....Mike died.  Free will has been here on earth from the beginning of time.  Adam and Eve made free will possible here.  He made the choice to drive while too tired.  As a result, he crossed the center line, and on the other side was a semi.  Mike would have never fallen asleep knowing what was about to happen, but "accidents" happen.  He doesn't feel sadness in Heaven thinking, "I wish I hadn't done that and am still on earth."  He is with us and watching us, all the while loving being in Heaven with our Heavenly Father.  Who would ever want to come back?

On that day 4 years ago, even as I thought that I may never be a wife again, and my little girls would be fatherless, I had hope.  Hope in the Lord to take care of us in every way we needed.  And, He has not failed us once!  He sent people in our lives just as we needed them.


As I was in the van today running errands listening to David Jeremiah on Turning Point, he spoke of Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."  He spoke of people who were in the midst of something in their lives right now that they couldn't understand.  We have all been there.  We have to focus on a simple truth:  He is God and I am me.  Don't try to understand God, just let Him love you.  He does appear in forms we have never seen.  He does take us south in order to get us north.  Reminder from God:  We are human and He is divine.  We need love, He is love.  We need to be understood, He is above the need to be understood.  We can not understand, He understands everything perfectly.  We are of time, He is of eternity.  We are of reason,  He is above reason.  We are blown by the wind, He is the wind.  God is in charge, isn't He?  We get all shook up over what is happening, but we only have the human perspective of the situation.  God is in charge, and He sees everything from the beginning to the end, and all at the same time.  A person who comes to comprehend that at last comes to reside in the presence of God's sovereignty.  Those who believe this can say, "Lord, I don't know what you are doing, but I believe You do all things well and I believe in You.  I trust You and while I cannot figure this out, I will rest in Your control until it makes sense, even if it never makes sense."  And, because God is sovereign, I return to Him and Him alone to worship as He deserves.

 Job 38 - Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

 “Who is this that obscures my plans
    with words without knowledge?Brace yourself like a man;
    I will question you,
    and you shall answer me.

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
    Tell me, if you understand.

Unlike Job, I never questioned where God was that day.  He was with me and my girls the entire time.  He never left and never will.  But, as God told Job, Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?  I'll probably never fully understand the why.  And I don't need to.

Yet, another kind of JOurneY

Jesus is the same yesterday and today and forever.  Hebrews 13:8

When I started this blog a few years ago, it was with the intent to share our grief journey with you.  And that I have done.  From the toughest moments to some of our sweetest moments, you have read about them all.  Tonight I am continuing to write but about a new journey we are on...one that started October 4th, 1999, the day I became a Mom. 

A Mom...I had wanted to be a Mom since I was a little girl.  God blessed Mike and I with Quinci over 14 years ago.  I was devastated the day we found out she would have struggles throughout her life because of spina bifida.  She has brought us all so much joy.  We know this wasn't God's plan for her life, but we do know that He is our Healer and Rock through it all.  Lately, Kevin and I have been boldly praying for Him to bless her with a miracle, the kind of miracle that most Christians only think happened over 2000 years ago.  He is the same God today, yesterday, and tomorrow.  God makes miracles everyday and many go unnoticed as a miracle from Him.  I have always known that Quinci would touch people in ways that were extra special.  I can see her having an amazing testimony to share someday!

So, I tell you where we are now and why.  Because of spina bifida, she has a limited sense of feeling  in her legs.  Three weeks ago, she was taking a shower using her hand-held shower head and noticed the water was too hot.  Instead of turning it to cooler water or turning it off, or even getting out of the shower, she called for one of her sisters to turn it to cooler water.   She placed the shower head down by her legs (she sits in the shower on her knees so the water pooled around her) and waited for her sister to come in which took a little while because she was using the other shower.  Anyway, Quinci continued on by finishing her shower and called for me to help her get dressed.  And, that's when I discovered a sight I never want to see....two precious legs burnt from the knee down.  The water was so hot just running along side her legs that unfortunately she couldn't feel it.  We took her to the ER and followed up with her pediatrician everyday for the next week and then twice a week for the next two.  The burns weren't healing as fast as he would have liked so he referred us to the University of Iowa hospital burn unit.  The burn doctor examined her and immediately explained that she needed skin grafts with a 7 to 10 day hospital stay.  Once again, I was blown away...in a fog.  Kevin and I  had been caring for them for three weeks and they were healing, but because of compromised circulation, they weren't healing fast enough and they needed grafts.  We made the trip the very next day for skin grafts taken from her upper thighs for her lower legs. 

The biggest blessing of  all...she is not in pain from the burns or the donor sights.  Usually, skin grafts are very painful.  We do realize, however, that IF she could have felt the hot water in the first place, we wouldn't be here.  We can't look back, so for now we are counting this as a blessing.

This is a new journey for us.  A journey that Kevin and I haven't traveled before.  One that he knew he would probably be on at some point being her dad, but not one either one of us had wanted. We knew she was going to have some expected surgeries coming up for her independence, but this...a complete accident.  Kevin has been amazing through it all.  He helped me with wrapping her legs every morning before work/school and every evening before bed.  He helped her transfer in and out of her wheelchair (she hasn't been able to wear her leg braces and needed extra help) and he helped her get up on her bed.  It's not easy transferring a young adult, in fact, it's a lot of physical work at times.  Everyday I thank God for Kevin for so many reasons but lately I realize at what perfect timing in our lives He blessed the girls and I with Kevin.

While  I stay at the hospital with Quinci,  Kevin travels daily (3 hr round trip) to see us while his parents pick the little girls up from school, feed them dinner, and help with the nightly routine until Daddy gets home for tucking in at night.  I have so many things to be thankful for through these past couple of days.  The Lord continues to show up and amaze me with His love....even when I wonder "why are we here and why are we going through this?"  I learned through grieving Mike's death to ask God "why" is to question Him, and if I am questioning Him, am I trusting Him?

My Grandma Goes Home

You may not understand much when you are hurting and the pain of loss is ripping through your soul, but know and hold on to this one truth: God loves you, and He has a future for you. Hope in Him and trust Him to turn your mourning into JOY.

Roughly six weeks ago, my family changed. My (maternal) grandma had a stroke.  This stroke made it difficult for her to walk, eat, and eventually talk.  She was so active until this stroke, she drove anywhere and was even a caregiver for a 99-year-old man, two days a week!   Kevin and I visited her in the hospital, and at the time, she was talking to us, leaving us much hope for her recovery.  Unfortunately, the stroke(s) continued and she had to be moved to a nursing home.  A nursing home...the last place my grandma EVER wanted to live.  She talked about NOT wanting to ever live in a nursing home.   And there she was...in a reclined wheelchair, not being able to move her body like it once had moved, or talk to her loved ones who she loved so very much.

I knew I didn't want to take our girls to see her in this state.  God opened the door up for Kevin and I to visit her last Friday, (writing this on Monday) and I am so glad we did.  We no more than arrived at the nursing home and it was time for her physical therapy.  We decided to go with her to therapy, I talked to her quite a bit at first, only finding a glazed look back at me.  Kevin suggested I take her hand and kneel down to her...as I talked and held her hand, the biggest smile came from her.  She recognized me!  It was like a baby recognizing his mommy for the first time.  No words spoken, just a big smile!  A priceless smile that brought tears to my eyes!  She could hear us, we knew, but for her to respond was so exciting.  When we left the nursing home that day, I told Kevin that I would be praying for God to take her out of this state.  No matter what that meant...His will be done.  Early this morning, that's exactly the answer to prayer I received. She has gone on to be with the Lord.

I learned a lot about grief and finding strength from my grandma.  Two husbands, two male companions, and two children preceded  her in death.  I remember thinking to myself when Mike died, my grandma has been through this so many times, I can surely do it once.  She loved her family more than life itself.  The reunion with my grandma and my Aunt Kim (who died at the age of 26, 17 years ago in a car accident) in Heaven, makes me smile, just like the smile my grandma gave me last Friday.

Our JOurneY Continues...

I lift my eyes to the hills-from where will my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:1-2

 Grief has filled my heart more over the past few weeks than it has in a long time.  I have been weary at times when the thought of Mike would pass through my mind.  I didn't have a "reason" for this, I just thought it would pass rather quickly and be gone.  But, days later...it was still happening. I would find myself crying at times.

The other night while praying, I asked God to "reveal to me" what this grief was about and what needed to come to the surface to be healed.  I knew in His time, it would and He would heal me once again from these feelings of grief.  The very next night...He did just that!

Kevin and I were discussing the girls starting a new school year and all that this year would bring.  We have 2 eighth graders, 1 fourth grader, and a Kindergartener!  I have always been a stay at home mom and now, I would be at home with no kiddos.  I would have time to myself and time to do the extras that for years have got past over.  Sounds all good, right?  Well, not really to me.  My life mission was to be a mom and to be needed.  My grandma tells the story of me telling her when I was a little girl that I "was going to stay home with my kids when I grow up."   Now, I would be home and no one else would be.  I was feeling very "un" needed and wondering what I was going to do.  

After our talk, I rolled over to go to sleep, but found myself sobbing...hard and uncontrollably.  Kevin was concerned and as we talked, God answered my prayer...He was revealing to me where the grief had been coming from the past few weeks.  My baby girl was starting Kindergarten and her daddy Mike wasn't here to share it with her.  Kevin reminded me how Mike has never left her side and would be there with her.  I know that and understand it, but I still found myself feeling bad for her.  She hasn't said a word. Kevin is her daddy and Mike not being here for her starting school hasn't crossed her mind.  It's all been me...   I love how God answers our prayers.  He is such a good God!  

Kevin is the best husband to me and daddy to the girls, but nothing will change what our past holds.  It still holds memories of Mike and grief.   Kevin understands it and helps me through it in times such as these. 

When Kevin got home from work the next day, I was greeted by him with a dozen red roses.  He spoke the most amazing words.  He explained to me how important I am to this family, no matter if kids are home with me or if they are at school.  He loves having me home and knowing that I take such good care of our family.  I know this is will be a great year for all of us, I find myself truly humbled.  I am so blessed with a healthy family and an awesome God we serve!

 

 

Only God...

"Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires."  Psalm 37:4 

At some point after Mike had died, I knew I would remarry and be a wife again and my three girls would have a step-dad.  One day as I was talking to my pastor about remarriage, he explained that no matter who I married, he would never love my girls as much as Mike had.  I started to cry thinking they would never feel that kind of daughter/father love ever again.  I knew it would take an amazing man to come into our world, with three young daughers and one of them being handicapped, it's not an easy job.  I also believed that God had a plan, and He wasn't done with His plan the day Mike died.  

On Monday, June 17th 2013, the day after Father's Day...we will go to the courthouse and Kevin will be adopting the girls.  They will become his daughters!  This is a dream come true.  I prayed for them to be loved and have that daughter/father relationship, and that's exactly what they have.  I will be honest:  we have talked about this since before we were married, and I wasn't ready for him to adopt the girls at first.  My thought was that I was disrespecting Mike, and I would never do that.  He was a great dad and loved his girls more than anything.  I couldn't take his name off their birth certificate.  I remember how proud he was the day each of them was born, and how could I do that?   But, you probably wonder how I got to this day...only God.  During one of many of our long talks about adopting, Kevin explained to me (which I should have realized) that Mike was in Heaven and he feels no disrespect, anger, or hurt.  He would be happy and joyous for the girls and me.  I got it!  It all clicked with me!  As much as I knew I wanted Kevin to adopt them, I couldn't "do that" to Mike.  So, once God revealed those words to me, I have been completely at peace and more than thrilled with this huge blessing.  

Asking the girls...we started with Kevin's 12 year old daughter.  She was so excited!  She loved having three sisters, and now to share the same name with them was an awesome thought to her!  Then we talked to my three girls.  My oldest (13) was very excited about the adoption, and my youngest (5) has thought her name changed the day we got married.   My 9 year old, kept saying, "But, you are my daddy."  The youngest girls have called Kevin daddy from day one and she couldn't figure out why we had to do all of this because, "he was her daddy."  So, we explained the legal part of the matter to her.  She is the only one that has had any reservation, but the reservation isn't about Kevin being her dad, it's about her last name changing and someone at school asking her about it.  She doesn't want anyone asking so she will have to explain it to them..."my dad died and blah, blah, blah...."  In her mind, we have moved on from that day and here we are, already a family and Kevin is her dad.  In fact, she said, "Daddy will get three extra father's day gifts, but he will have to wait one more day."

It takes an amazing man to adopt three little girls and love them like his own, but God has blessed us with that man.  I call him Kevin and they call him Daddy.

Grandparent's New Home

Home, Nursing Home, Eternal Home

Thursday marks one of the hardest days I have ever had to face. The day of Mike's accident was one, and the day we were told our daughter had a birth defect was another. But Thursday ranks right up there... As some of you know, I was raised by my grandparents. They are the most wonderful, caring, loving people you may ever meet. They raised me with such love from a Christian home. I am so blessed to have had this wonderful life with them.

My grandpa has been struggling with a debilitating lung disease for some time now, and my grandma has had years of back pain due to crushed vertebrae. For several weeks now, Grandma has been taking care of Grandpa. It's her favorite job, "taking care of others". When Mike died, she pretty much moved in with the girls and I and "took care of us". Not to mention, all the years of raising me and caring for others along the way. A few weeks ago, she started having much more pain than ever before and was unable to take care of Grandpa. She was admitted to the hospital for pain control and rehabilitation. Then, the next day, Grandpa was admitted to the same hosptial with extreme breathing problems.

Within three days, our world was rocked. My dad, my husband and I were moving them into two seperate nursing homes. The sight of seeing them in the hospital saying "goodbye" to one another...after 61 years of marriage and not knowing what was next, was gut wrenching. They cried, and off we went with Grandpa, round 1 for the long day...we walked the long hallway joining the hospital to the nursing home with two nurses. When we arrived at Grandpa's new "home", my stomach was in knots. They had worked their entire life and lived in a house that Grandpa had built years ago...and walked into a nursing home with 1 bag of clothes. Really, this is what his life is going to be like now? Sharing a room with a stranger and the bare minimum of essentials. My grandma got moved later the same day.

On our way to move them, I said to my husband, "I feel like someone died." It was the "hole in my stomach" feeling...it wasn't because "someone" had died, but because "something" had died. Our past together had died, and although they are still here with me, our past won't ever be the same. Going to their house, the girls helping Grandma in the kitchen, playing cards with Papa, and just the wonderful memories we have made with them. But, the great news is this: no one can ever take away our memories, and we will always have the most wonderful memories of them from years past as well as each day we are blessed to have them here with us.

This whole past week has been a blur of emotion and heartache. These are the people that raised me and loved me unconditionally my entire life. I so wanted to bring them here to our home and care for them, but I realize I am not a nurse and can't care for their needs. This life lesson puts "things" into perspective once again, as they were when Mike died. "Things" don't matter, it's the loved ones in our lives that matter. This isn't about the house and belongings they left behind, it's about their well being and love they are given. I love these two people more than any of you will ever know, and I pray for God to reunite them soon...either at the same nursing home, back at their home, or in Heaven...their eternal home.

Ornaments Speak

Ornaments Speak

 

As we discussed "whose" Christmas tree was going where with "what" decorations on it...we decided to put up only ONE tree with BOTH of our decorations on it! It's a classic...it's a tree where Hallmark Keepsake ornaments such as The Beatles, The Muppets, Tinkerbell, and Star Trek meet the sweet handmade school ornaments the girls have made from years past and more "traditional" looking ornaments. It's a tree where two families truly have collided...just as WE truly HAVE!

The main reason for this blog post is to share with you a story that is almost unbelievable...only one God could have done! The Sunday night we all were decorating the Christmas tree, I was sitting on the floor going through the Rubbermaid tub handing the girls and Kevin the ornaments to put on the tree. I grabbed the next ornament and to my surprise, it was an ornament I had had for almost 17 years...it was crystal wedding bells. An ornament Mike and I had been given as a wedding gift. (Our anniversary is on December 9th.) I instantly felt the grief sneaking up on me. This was about 2 weeks before our anniversary and I had "thought" about it coming, but not REALLY "thought" about it, until seeing the crystal wedding bells in my hand. I quietly excused myself to the restroom and cried for several minutes. I returned to the rest of my family with love and laughter, but I still felt...grief. The VERY next ornament I unwrapped was...an ornament that read, "Our First Christmas Together 1995". That's when I lost it and my entire family stopped what they were doing...Kevin asked me what was wrong and I showed them all the two ornaments. Everyone was very supportive and we kept going...and decorating. The VERY next ornament I came to was one I had forgot I had, yet, I feel it was God's words..."JOY" (2010). Yes, it was an ornament with JOY spelled out and the date 2010 on it! I didn't even care about the word JOY in 2010, but Mike died in 2010 and I have since found great JOY from our sweet Jesus! I knew when I saw that third ornament with JOY on it, God had been there "unwrapping" the ornaments with me and healing my heart....preparing me for another anniversary to celebrate of the 17 years of marriage we would of had, but only were together for 14 of them.

After the tree was done and the girls were all busy getting ready for bed, my precious husband hugged me and said, "there is nothing wrong with missing Mike." "Just because I am here and married to you doesn't mean you don't miss him."...I cried once again. Kevin and I "celebrated" on December 9th...we had a lovely day together, just the two of us, knowing there was really three of us "celebrating"...

Busy, But Back

Busy, But Back...

So much has happened in the past 6 weeks of my life, but blogging has not been one of them. I have missed it so much and I hope to be back now on a more constant basis.

As many of you know on October 26th, Kevin and I married! We exchanged vows in a private, intimate ceremony at the church Kevin and his family have attended for several years. Now, we all attend there...and, my best words to describe it are..."it's the best kept secret in town." The Holy Spirit is alive and moving there and we all love worshiping together as a family. See, we not only get to enjoy sitting with family every Sunday worshiping, but we are blessed enough to spend time with Kevin's parents and his sister and her family for lunch after church at his parent's house. This time together is a lost tradition for many families, but one we love and look forward to every week. We catch up with one another and eat a delicious meal! Being an only child, I LOVE having an extended family that is so close. They have only showed me and my girls love and then...more love! I could not have ever hand picked a better family to marry into. I thank God for them everyday!

We wanted a small wedding, but it didn't lack in the awesomeness of a man and woman becoming one. Our vows were so powerful, we served one another communion, and as a HUGE surprise to me.....KEVIN HAD WROTE A SONG FOR ME! He sang and played his guitar...yes, I cried! The lyrics of the song were amazing...I hope to post it on here sometime. (I should ask the musician if it's ok, though!)

After a wonderful dinner with our wedding guests, we enjoyed one another for a weekend away. As we drove to come back home, I was sad to be leaving our "honeymoon", yet, so very much excited to be starting our lives with our four daughters! And, that's exactly what it has been....exciting! These four girls love being together and have become the best of friends! It's so much fun to see them and see the bond that is/has formed.

We are all adjusting to the different schedules and routines that were already in place. The girls LOVE their new schools, teachers, and new friends. God shows up all the time, and continues to lead us and show us His way. I never thought I would move from my hometown, but I couldn't be happier where I am today. This move has made me realize that no matter where I live, God will be there too. This house feels like "home", it's not the structure of a home, but the family inside that makes it a "home".

Ambush Grief

It Strikes Again...

I am 10 days from marrying a man I didn't even know existed. A man I love and adore and a man who loves and adores me!

Today I was referred to as a "step mom"...I knew these words were "who I am". But, they socked me in the gut, to be honest. I always prided our family as having the same last name as all of our children and not having a blended family. I came from divorced parents, I never wanted my kids to have a blended family. But, here we are...a blended family! I am embracing it and loving it as well as it makes me sad to think of "why" we are blended. The last name really means nothing, it's just a name and does not define "who" you are, like I have always thought. As I heard those words today, I was ambushed with grief. It hit me out of no where. I went back to all of the weeks in the hospital with our oldest daughter and Mike and I both were at her side. BOTH parents~

As I discussed this ambush with Kevin, he assured me of his love and felt bad there was no other word to describe "step mom". His hope for our family is to continue to bond as a family and not to label ourselves. He realizes he will never be Mike, but wants to fill that void the girls miss and want in a daddy. His hope for me is to mentor and teach his daughter like a mother would, as a birth mom or as a step mom.

I have come to the conclusion that ambush grief probably always will come from time to time throughout my life. I am blessed to be a wife again and share many years with Kevin and have such an amazing man understand every step of this life...

It's All Worth the Tears

Growth Through Tears

As announced in my previous post, I will be marrying an amazing man soon. He is a blessing only God could have provided. With this marriage comes a move for the girls and I. We have been preparing and packing lately and couldn't be more excited about this new JOurneY.

Today, I decided it was time to pack up my closet. I had already packed the girls' closets and now it was time to dig into my closet. I started with the obvious "stuff"...purses and shoes! Doesn't sound too bad right? Well, in the far back part of my closet was the "stuff" I was wanting to avoid...sympathy cards, funeral papers, and Mike's "death stuff"...honestly, it brought me to my knees in tears. I cried for about a half an hour, my four year old little girl bringing me numerous Kleenex and giving me many hugs. What really tore at my heart were the collages that the girls had made on the one year anniversary of Mike's death. They were so true to their daddy...all the things he liked and what I remembered about him most. After about 45 minutes of sobbing, praying, and screaming out to God, I sent Kevin a text at work, and called a great friend. I was struggling trying to figure out how I could have so many sad tears today, but yet, my life was so filled with JOY and happiness with so many wonderful beginnings. My friend encouraged me with comforting words and that's why I call her "mama"...she is more like a mom to me and I am so blessed to have her and know she will always be there for me. The text I received from Kevin read: It's completely okay to miss Mike. You two had a wonderful marriage. There's no shame in remembering him fondly. I'm not jealous of Mike. I'm not in competition with him. I love you so much, and am looking forward to our life together. KISS

This amazing text spoke right to my heart, although I knew all of this...I had to read it and feel it. I think it's so important for Kevin to understand the love and loss I had, and that's exactly what he does...understands completely! I will never compare the two loves of my life. I know God has blessed me more than I can ever thank Him for.

I am grateful for the tears today, they were healing beyond belief. The words spoke between Kevin and I were such a blessing...I AM TRULY BLESSED~

It's Time...

The Time Has Come to Live Again

It's been nearly two and a half years since Mike's accident and my girls and I have "grieved well" as my pastor called it. We have overcome the loss of daddy and continued our lives each and every day the way God has led us to do. Sometimes it was hard just to get through the hour, but God held us tight and got us where we are today, which leads me to this blog post....

My girls and I have prayed together for over a year for God to bless us with a special man and his family to be in our lives. We were so ready to embrace the next step of this life...we had faith that God had plans for us and we were looking forward to seeing and believing in His plans. God brought Kevin, his daughter, and his entire family into our lives in such a way, I can't explain in words. They are such a blessing to my girls and I and we will be forever grateful for this blessing!

God has blessed me by being loved and adored by two men in my life and now He is giving me the opportunity to become Kevin's wife. Kevin and I will be getting married at the end of October. This blessing is an amazing testimony of God's faithfulness to us. We couldn't be happier in this new JOurneY and we all are looking forward to starting our lives together...the 6 of us! Seeing my girls with a man they adore as much as he adores them...priceless. Mike was a great dad and they have missed the relationship between a father and a daughter these past two years, they have a great start at an incredible relationship with Kevin, one that only God could have sent. I am looking so forward to being in his daughter's life, she is an amazing girl who is on fire for God and honestly, our four girls act like they have been "sisters" all along!

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to find JOY IN OUR JOURNEY~

God's Calling, I'm Listening

God's Calling...

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.  Prov. 16:9

I thought my life was set and going great as "I" had planned, but as we all know, God had another plan for me. More than two years later, I can honestly say that I have embraced my new life, the one that God has laid down for me. Together we have moved mountains of fear, doubt, change, and spiritual growth. I wouldn't be the confident woman I am today without the Lord guiding and directing me and answering each prayer in His time and in His way.

I have prayed and prayed for months (maybe more like years) for God to "move" me in the direction He wanted me to go with my grief through His healing. I knew God had to be glorified in this tragedy and I am on a mission to do so. We need to realize that we don't live in a perfect world, but we do have a perfect God who we serve always and in times such as these.

In April, He blessed me with the opportunity to speak at a woman's conference at my church and share my story through my grief and how God truly heals. I have just finished facilitating a 13 week GriefShare support group at my church. God touched many lives in those 13 weeks, and I am forever grateful for His blessing of GriefShare.

I have been asked to lead a grief workshop at a women's conference in October in southern Illinois. This is one more blessing God has provided for me to share and spread His word of healing from grief. I am asking for all of you to add me to your prayers as I am preparing for the workshop now. I am constantly listening to His whispers throughout the day for the information to come from Him for me to share with these women. I know He has a plan and He will send the women who need to hear His message on overcoming grief. Thanks so much for all of your prayers as I continue to follow the Lord under His guidance and direction for my life.


Overcoming can be done, if we ask and believe...

Changing One Picture At A Time

Part of the Transition

Last week at this time we were on our way home after a 4 day vacation with Kevin and his daughter. The six of us had more fun than we could have imagined. When we all are together, it's like we always have been and always will be...

Of course, I took tons of pictures of everything we saw and everything we did on our vacation. I will never regret taking pictures that will last a lifetime of the memories we are blessed with daily. We have several very good pictures of all of us together, just the 4 girls, and some of just Kevin and I. I made two photo albums, one for each house and we already have laughed and enjoyed looking through them and talking about the amazing time God gave us. Now, how to display the pictures to the world?

Our house has always been full of family pictures around, being updated as the years go by and as the girls grow up. About a year ago, I felt it was time to take down our big family picture in the living room of Mike and I with our girls. They were so young and I had a really nice picture of them and I to replace it with, so it made the "transition" a little easier. I asked their input before doing so and they were totally good with it. We still have a few pictures on the fridge with daddy and another in the foyer of him with his sweet little girls. I know we will always have some pictures of daddy out, but they are slowly making their way off walls and out of frames. Other than that...our house has memories of him and not many pictures.

Now, our house is being transitioned into new memories being lived out and made daily. As I slowly turn the old pictures over and replace them with the new, like the vacation pictures from last week...it's an awesome feeling...a feeling of a new life ahead. We will always hang onto our pictures and memories of the past, but it's also so important to enJOY the blessings of today that God has given to us. We will always cherish the new and the old, both pictures and memories. As I change out the photos, we will never change out our memories; we are only adding to the photos and memories of the past.

May you find yourself reflecting today upon God's blessings to you through old and new photos as He is such an amazing God that does just that...BLESSES US ABUNDANTLY~

Worshiping...Side by Side...

 Worshiping...Side by Side...

A few weeks ago, God answered yet another prayer for me. Kevin and I worshiped in the house of the Lord together for the first time. This meant to me more than words can say.

In the past, Mike and I always attended church with the girls as a family. I knew it was a special time out of our week, but had no idea just how special until he died. (You can read more about this here.) I struggled many, many Sundays in church without him. I would look around and see husbands and wives joining together in prayer and singing praises and would get a lump in my throat and want to cry.

Kevin and I have prayed together every single day since we have met and finally had the opportunity to worship together. Side by side in the same pew...praying and singing together. It gives me chills remembering the feeling I had that first Sunday. He is a man of God and for that I am forever grateful. He joined my girls and I at our church and got to meet my church family. A few weeks later, I joined him and his whole family at his church. It's amazing how churches have different routines in the way a service is done, but the meat and potatoes of the belief of Jesus Christ being our Lord and Savior is the same. I enjoyed visiting Kevin's church very much. After church, we had dinner at his parent's house with his parents and his sister's family. I love the "family table"...especially after Sunday service.

Many married couples don't worship together for one reason or another. I had that blessing when Mike was here and once again, God has blessed me...worshiping side by side together in the Lord's house. After attending together, we reflect upon the sermon many times throughout the next week and help one another with God's direction in our lives through His word. I look forward to a lifetime of worshiping side by side...