My Grandma Goes Home

You may not understand much when you are hurting and the pain of loss is ripping through your soul, but know and hold on to this one truth: God loves you, and He has a future for you. Hope in Him and trust Him to turn your mourning into JOY.

Roughly six weeks ago, my family changed. My (maternal) grandma had a stroke.  This stroke made it difficult for her to walk, eat, and eventually talk.  She was so active until this stroke, she drove anywhere and was even a caregiver for a 99-year-old man, two days a week!   Kevin and I visited her in the hospital, and at the time, she was talking to us, leaving us much hope for her recovery.  Unfortunately, the stroke(s) continued and she had to be moved to a nursing home.  A nursing home...the last place my grandma EVER wanted to live.  She talked about NOT wanting to ever live in a nursing home.   And there she was...in a reclined wheelchair, not being able to move her body like it once had moved, or talk to her loved ones who she loved so very much.

I knew I didn't want to take our girls to see her in this state.  God opened the door up for Kevin and I to visit her last Friday, (writing this on Monday) and I am so glad we did.  We no more than arrived at the nursing home and it was time for her physical therapy.  We decided to go with her to therapy, I talked to her quite a bit at first, only finding a glazed look back at me.  Kevin suggested I take her hand and kneel down to her...as I talked and held her hand, the biggest smile came from her.  She recognized me!  It was like a baby recognizing his mommy for the first time.  No words spoken, just a big smile!  A priceless smile that brought tears to my eyes!  She could hear us, we knew, but for her to respond was so exciting.  When we left the nursing home that day, I told Kevin that I would be praying for God to take her out of this state.  No matter what that meant...His will be done.  Early this morning, that's exactly the answer to prayer I received. She has gone on to be with the Lord.

I learned a lot about grief and finding strength from my grandma.  Two husbands, two male companions, and two children preceded  her in death.  I remember thinking to myself when Mike died, my grandma has been through this so many times, I can surely do it once.  She loved her family more than life itself.  The reunion with my grandma and my Aunt Kim (who died at the age of 26, 17 years ago in a car accident) in Heaven, makes me smile, just like the smile my grandma gave me last Friday.

Our JOurneY Continues...

I lift my eyes to the hills-from where will my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.  Psalm 121:1-2

 Grief has filled my heart more over the past few weeks than it has in a long time.  I have been weary at times when the thought of Mike would pass through my mind.  I didn't have a "reason" for this, I just thought it would pass rather quickly and be gone.  But, days later...it was still happening. I would find myself crying at times.

The other night while praying, I asked God to "reveal to me" what this grief was about and what needed to come to the surface to be healed.  I knew in His time, it would and He would heal me once again from these feelings of grief.  The very next night...He did just that!

Kevin and I were discussing the girls starting a new school year and all that this year would bring.  We have 2 eighth graders, 1 fourth grader, and a Kindergartener!  I have always been a stay at home mom and now, I would be at home with no kiddos.  I would have time to myself and time to do the extras that for years have got past over.  Sounds all good, right?  Well, not really to me.  My life mission was to be a mom and to be needed.  My grandma tells the story of me telling her when I was a little girl that I "was going to stay home with my kids when I grow up."   Now, I would be home and no one else would be.  I was feeling very "un" needed and wondering what I was going to do.  

After our talk, I rolled over to go to sleep, but found myself sobbing...hard and uncontrollably.  Kevin was concerned and as we talked, God answered my prayer...He was revealing to me where the grief had been coming from the past few weeks.  My baby girl was starting Kindergarten and her daddy Mike wasn't here to share it with her.  Kevin reminded me how Mike has never left her side and would be there with her.  I know that and understand it, but I still found myself feeling bad for her.  She hasn't said a word. Kevin is her daddy and Mike not being here for her starting school hasn't crossed her mind.  It's all been me...   I love how God answers our prayers.  He is such a good God!  

Kevin is the best husband to me and daddy to the girls, but nothing will change what our past holds.  It still holds memories of Mike and grief.   Kevin understands it and helps me through it in times such as these. 

When Kevin got home from work the next day, I was greeted by him with a dozen red roses.  He spoke the most amazing words.  He explained to me how important I am to this family, no matter if kids are home with me or if they are at school.  He loves having me home and knowing that I take such good care of our family.  I know this is will be a great year for all of us, I find myself truly humbled.  I am so blessed with a healthy family and an awesome God we serve!

 

 

Only God...

"Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires."  Psalm 37:4 

At some point after Mike had died, I knew I would remarry and be a wife again and my three girls would have a step-dad.  One day as I was talking to my pastor about remarriage, he explained that no matter who I married, he would never love my girls as much as Mike had.  I started to cry thinking they would never feel that kind of daughter/father love ever again.  I knew it would take an amazing man to come into our world, with three young daughers and one of them being handicapped, it's not an easy job.  I also believed that God had a plan, and He wasn't done with His plan the day Mike died.  

On Monday, June 17th 2013, the day after Father's Day...we will go to the courthouse and Kevin will be adopting the girls.  They will become his daughters!  This is a dream come true.  I prayed for them to be loved and have that daughter/father relationship, and that's exactly what they have.  I will be honest:  we have talked about this since before we were married, and I wasn't ready for him to adopt the girls at first.  My thought was that I was disrespecting Mike, and I would never do that.  He was a great dad and loved his girls more than anything.  I couldn't take his name off their birth certificate.  I remember how proud he was the day each of them was born, and how could I do that?   But, you probably wonder how I got to this day...only God.  During one of many of our long talks about adopting, Kevin explained to me (which I should have realized) that Mike was in Heaven and he feels no disrespect, anger, or hurt.  He would be happy and joyous for the girls and me.  I got it!  It all clicked with me!  As much as I knew I wanted Kevin to adopt them, I couldn't "do that" to Mike.  So, once God revealed those words to me, I have been completely at peace and more than thrilled with this huge blessing.  

Asking the girls...we started with Kevin's 12 year old daughter.  She was so excited!  She loved having three sisters, and now to share the same name with them was an awesome thought to her!  Then we talked to my three girls.  My oldest (13) was very excited about the adoption, and my youngest (5) has thought her name changed the day we got married.   My 9 year old, kept saying, "But, you are my daddy."  The youngest girls have called Kevin daddy from day one and she couldn't figure out why we had to do all of this because, "he was her daddy."  So, we explained the legal part of the matter to her.  She is the only one that has had any reservation, but the reservation isn't about Kevin being her dad, it's about her last name changing and someone at school asking her about it.  She doesn't want anyone asking so she will have to explain it to them..."my dad died and blah, blah, blah...."  In her mind, we have moved on from that day and here we are, already a family and Kevin is her dad.  In fact, she said, "Daddy will get three extra father's day gifts, but he will have to wait one more day."

It takes an amazing man to adopt three little girls and love them like his own, but God has blessed us with that man.  I call him Kevin and they call him Daddy.

Grandparent's New Home

Home, Nursing Home, Eternal Home

Thursday marks one of the hardest days I have ever had to face. The day of Mike's accident was one, and the day we were told our daughter had a birth defect was another. But Thursday ranks right up there... As some of you know, I was raised by my grandparents. They are the most wonderful, caring, loving people you may ever meet. They raised me with such love from a Christian home. I am so blessed to have had this wonderful life with them.

My grandpa has been struggling with a debilitating lung disease for some time now, and my grandma has had years of back pain due to crushed vertebrae. For several weeks now, Grandma has been taking care of Grandpa. It's her favorite job, "taking care of others". When Mike died, she pretty much moved in with the girls and I and "took care of us". Not to mention, all the years of raising me and caring for others along the way. A few weeks ago, she started having much more pain than ever before and was unable to take care of Grandpa. She was admitted to the hospital for pain control and rehabilitation. Then, the next day, Grandpa was admitted to the same hosptial with extreme breathing problems.

Within three days, our world was rocked. My dad, my husband and I were moving them into two seperate nursing homes. The sight of seeing them in the hospital saying "goodbye" to one another...after 61 years of marriage and not knowing what was next, was gut wrenching. They cried, and off we went with Grandpa, round 1 for the long day...we walked the long hallway joining the hospital to the nursing home with two nurses. When we arrived at Grandpa's new "home", my stomach was in knots. They had worked their entire life and lived in a house that Grandpa had built years ago...and walked into a nursing home with 1 bag of clothes. Really, this is what his life is going to be like now? Sharing a room with a stranger and the bare minimum of essentials. My grandma got moved later the same day.

On our way to move them, I said to my husband, "I feel like someone died." It was the "hole in my stomach" feeling...it wasn't because "someone" had died, but because "something" had died. Our past together had died, and although they are still here with me, our past won't ever be the same. Going to their house, the girls helping Grandma in the kitchen, playing cards with Papa, and just the wonderful memories we have made with them. But, the great news is this: no one can ever take away our memories, and we will always have the most wonderful memories of them from years past as well as each day we are blessed to have them here with us.

This whole past week has been a blur of emotion and heartache. These are the people that raised me and loved me unconditionally my entire life. I so wanted to bring them here to our home and care for them, but I realize I am not a nurse and can't care for their needs. This life lesson puts "things" into perspective once again, as they were when Mike died. "Things" don't matter, it's the loved ones in our lives that matter. This isn't about the house and belongings they left behind, it's about their well being and love they are given. I love these two people more than any of you will ever know, and I pray for God to reunite them soon...either at the same nursing home, back at their home, or in Heaven...their eternal home.