I lift my eyes to the hills-from where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2
Grief has filled my heart more over the past few weeks than it has in a long time. I have been weary at times when the thought of Mike would pass through my mind. I didn't have a "reason" for this, I just thought it would pass rather quickly and be gone. But, days later...it was still happening. I would find myself crying at times.
The other night while praying, I asked God to "reveal to me" what this grief was about and what needed to come to the surface to be healed. I knew in His time, it would and He would heal me once again from these feelings of grief. The very next night...He did just that!
Kevin and I were discussing the girls starting a new school year and all that this year would bring. We have 2 eighth graders, 1 fourth grader, and a Kindergartener! I have always been a stay at home mom and now, I would be at home with no kiddos. I would have time to myself and time to do the extras that for years have got past over. Sounds all good, right? Well, not really to me. My life mission was to be a mom and to be needed. My grandma tells the story of me telling her when I was a little girl that I "was going to stay home with my kids when I grow up." Now, I would be home and no one else would be. I was feeling very "un" needed and wondering what I was going to do.
After our talk, I rolled over to go to sleep, but found myself sobbing...hard and uncontrollably. Kevin was concerned and as we talked, God answered my prayer...He was revealing to me where the grief had been coming from the past few weeks. My baby girl was starting Kindergarten and her daddy Mike wasn't here to share it with her. Kevin reminded me how Mike has never left her side and would be there with her. I know that and understand it, but I still found myself feeling bad for her. She hasn't said a word. Kevin is her daddy and Mike not being here for her starting school hasn't crossed her mind. It's all been me... I love how God answers our prayers. He is such a good God!
Kevin is the best husband to me and daddy to the girls, but nothing will change what our past holds. It still holds memories of Mike and grief. Kevin understands it and helps me through it in times such as these.
When Kevin got home from work the next day, I was greeted by him with a dozen red roses. He spoke the most amazing words. He explained to me how important I am to this family, no matter if kids are home with me or if they are at school. He loves having me home and knowing that I take such good care of our family. I know this is will be a great year for all of us, I find myself truly humbled. I am so blessed with a healthy family and an awesome God we serve!
