Ambush Grief

It Strikes Again...

I am 10 days from marrying a man I didn't even know existed. A man I love and adore and a man who loves and adores me!

Today I was referred to as a "step mom"...I knew these words were "who I am". But, they socked me in the gut, to be honest. I always prided our family as having the same last name as all of our children and not having a blended family. I came from divorced parents, I never wanted my kids to have a blended family. But, here we are...a blended family! I am embracing it and loving it as well as it makes me sad to think of "why" we are blended. The last name really means nothing, it's just a name and does not define "who" you are, like I have always thought. As I heard those words today, I was ambushed with grief. It hit me out of no where. I went back to all of the weeks in the hospital with our oldest daughter and Mike and I both were at her side. BOTH parents~

As I discussed this ambush with Kevin, he assured me of his love and felt bad there was no other word to describe "step mom". His hope for our family is to continue to bond as a family and not to label ourselves. He realizes he will never be Mike, but wants to fill that void the girls miss and want in a daddy. His hope for me is to mentor and teach his daughter like a mother would, as a birth mom or as a step mom.

I have come to the conclusion that ambush grief probably always will come from time to time throughout my life. I am blessed to be a wife again and share many years with Kevin and have such an amazing man understand every step of this life...

It's All Worth the Tears

Growth Through Tears

As announced in my previous post, I will be marrying an amazing man soon. He is a blessing only God could have provided. With this marriage comes a move for the girls and I. We have been preparing and packing lately and couldn't be more excited about this new JOurneY.

Today, I decided it was time to pack up my closet. I had already packed the girls' closets and now it was time to dig into my closet. I started with the obvious "stuff"...purses and shoes! Doesn't sound too bad right? Well, in the far back part of my closet was the "stuff" I was wanting to avoid...sympathy cards, funeral papers, and Mike's "death stuff"...honestly, it brought me to my knees in tears. I cried for about a half an hour, my four year old little girl bringing me numerous Kleenex and giving me many hugs. What really tore at my heart were the collages that the girls had made on the one year anniversary of Mike's death. They were so true to their daddy...all the things he liked and what I remembered about him most. After about 45 minutes of sobbing, praying, and screaming out to God, I sent Kevin a text at work, and called a great friend. I was struggling trying to figure out how I could have so many sad tears today, but yet, my life was so filled with JOY and happiness with so many wonderful beginnings. My friend encouraged me with comforting words and that's why I call her "mama"...she is more like a mom to me and I am so blessed to have her and know she will always be there for me. The text I received from Kevin read: It's completely okay to miss Mike. You two had a wonderful marriage. There's no shame in remembering him fondly. I'm not jealous of Mike. I'm not in competition with him. I love you so much, and am looking forward to our life together. KISS

This amazing text spoke right to my heart, although I knew all of this...I had to read it and feel it. I think it's so important for Kevin to understand the love and loss I had, and that's exactly what he does...understands completely! I will never compare the two loves of my life. I know God has blessed me more than I can ever thank Him for.

I am grateful for the tears today, they were healing beyond belief. The words spoke between Kevin and I were such a blessing...I AM TRULY BLESSED~