Ornaments Speak

Ornaments Speak

 

As we discussed "whose" Christmas tree was going where with "what" decorations on it...we decided to put up only ONE tree with BOTH of our decorations on it! It's a classic...it's a tree where Hallmark Keepsake ornaments such as The Beatles, The Muppets, Tinkerbell, and Star Trek meet the sweet handmade school ornaments the girls have made from years past and more "traditional" looking ornaments. It's a tree where two families truly have collided...just as WE truly HAVE!

The main reason for this blog post is to share with you a story that is almost unbelievable...only one God could have done! The Sunday night we all were decorating the Christmas tree, I was sitting on the floor going through the Rubbermaid tub handing the girls and Kevin the ornaments to put on the tree. I grabbed the next ornament and to my surprise, it was an ornament I had had for almost 17 years...it was crystal wedding bells. An ornament Mike and I had been given as a wedding gift. (Our anniversary is on December 9th.) I instantly felt the grief sneaking up on me. This was about 2 weeks before our anniversary and I had "thought" about it coming, but not REALLY "thought" about it, until seeing the crystal wedding bells in my hand. I quietly excused myself to the restroom and cried for several minutes. I returned to the rest of my family with love and laughter, but I still felt...grief. The VERY next ornament I unwrapped was...an ornament that read, "Our First Christmas Together 1995". That's when I lost it and my entire family stopped what they were doing...Kevin asked me what was wrong and I showed them all the two ornaments. Everyone was very supportive and we kept going...and decorating. The VERY next ornament I came to was one I had forgot I had, yet, I feel it was God's words..."JOY" (2010). Yes, it was an ornament with JOY spelled out and the date 2010 on it! I didn't even care about the word JOY in 2010, but Mike died in 2010 and I have since found great JOY from our sweet Jesus! I knew when I saw that third ornament with JOY on it, God had been there "unwrapping" the ornaments with me and healing my heart....preparing me for another anniversary to celebrate of the 17 years of marriage we would of had, but only were together for 14 of them.

After the tree was done and the girls were all busy getting ready for bed, my precious husband hugged me and said, "there is nothing wrong with missing Mike." "Just because I am here and married to you doesn't mean you don't miss him."...I cried once again. Kevin and I "celebrated" on December 9th...we had a lovely day together, just the two of us, knowing there was really three of us "celebrating"...

Busy, But Back

Busy, But Back...

So much has happened in the past 6 weeks of my life, but blogging has not been one of them. I have missed it so much and I hope to be back now on a more constant basis.

As many of you know on October 26th, Kevin and I married! We exchanged vows in a private, intimate ceremony at the church Kevin and his family have attended for several years. Now, we all attend there...and, my best words to describe it are..."it's the best kept secret in town." The Holy Spirit is alive and moving there and we all love worshiping together as a family. See, we not only get to enjoy sitting with family every Sunday worshiping, but we are blessed enough to spend time with Kevin's parents and his sister and her family for lunch after church at his parent's house. This time together is a lost tradition for many families, but one we love and look forward to every week. We catch up with one another and eat a delicious meal! Being an only child, I LOVE having an extended family that is so close. They have only showed me and my girls love and then...more love! I could not have ever hand picked a better family to marry into. I thank God for them everyday!

We wanted a small wedding, but it didn't lack in the awesomeness of a man and woman becoming one. Our vows were so powerful, we served one another communion, and as a HUGE surprise to me.....KEVIN HAD WROTE A SONG FOR ME! He sang and played his guitar...yes, I cried! The lyrics of the song were amazing...I hope to post it on here sometime. (I should ask the musician if it's ok, though!)

After a wonderful dinner with our wedding guests, we enjoyed one another for a weekend away. As we drove to come back home, I was sad to be leaving our "honeymoon", yet, so very much excited to be starting our lives with our four daughters! And, that's exactly what it has been....exciting! These four girls love being together and have become the best of friends! It's so much fun to see them and see the bond that is/has formed.

We are all adjusting to the different schedules and routines that were already in place. The girls LOVE their new schools, teachers, and new friends. God shows up all the time, and continues to lead us and show us His way. I never thought I would move from my hometown, but I couldn't be happier where I am today. This move has made me realize that no matter where I live, God will be there too. This house feels like "home", it's not the structure of a home, but the family inside that makes it a "home".

Ambush Grief

It Strikes Again...

I am 10 days from marrying a man I didn't even know existed. A man I love and adore and a man who loves and adores me!

Today I was referred to as a "step mom"...I knew these words were "who I am". But, they socked me in the gut, to be honest. I always prided our family as having the same last name as all of our children and not having a blended family. I came from divorced parents, I never wanted my kids to have a blended family. But, here we are...a blended family! I am embracing it and loving it as well as it makes me sad to think of "why" we are blended. The last name really means nothing, it's just a name and does not define "who" you are, like I have always thought. As I heard those words today, I was ambushed with grief. It hit me out of no where. I went back to all of the weeks in the hospital with our oldest daughter and Mike and I both were at her side. BOTH parents~

As I discussed this ambush with Kevin, he assured me of his love and felt bad there was no other word to describe "step mom". His hope for our family is to continue to bond as a family and not to label ourselves. He realizes he will never be Mike, but wants to fill that void the girls miss and want in a daddy. His hope for me is to mentor and teach his daughter like a mother would, as a birth mom or as a step mom.

I have come to the conclusion that ambush grief probably always will come from time to time throughout my life. I am blessed to be a wife again and share many years with Kevin and have such an amazing man understand every step of this life...

It's All Worth the Tears

Growth Through Tears

As announced in my previous post, I will be marrying an amazing man soon. He is a blessing only God could have provided. With this marriage comes a move for the girls and I. We have been preparing and packing lately and couldn't be more excited about this new JOurneY.

Today, I decided it was time to pack up my closet. I had already packed the girls' closets and now it was time to dig into my closet. I started with the obvious "stuff"...purses and shoes! Doesn't sound too bad right? Well, in the far back part of my closet was the "stuff" I was wanting to avoid...sympathy cards, funeral papers, and Mike's "death stuff"...honestly, it brought me to my knees in tears. I cried for about a half an hour, my four year old little girl bringing me numerous Kleenex and giving me many hugs. What really tore at my heart were the collages that the girls had made on the one year anniversary of Mike's death. They were so true to their daddy...all the things he liked and what I remembered about him most. After about 45 minutes of sobbing, praying, and screaming out to God, I sent Kevin a text at work, and called a great friend. I was struggling trying to figure out how I could have so many sad tears today, but yet, my life was so filled with JOY and happiness with so many wonderful beginnings. My friend encouraged me with comforting words and that's why I call her "mama"...she is more like a mom to me and I am so blessed to have her and know she will always be there for me. The text I received from Kevin read: It's completely okay to miss Mike. You two had a wonderful marriage. There's no shame in remembering him fondly. I'm not jealous of Mike. I'm not in competition with him. I love you so much, and am looking forward to our life together. KISS

This amazing text spoke right to my heart, although I knew all of this...I had to read it and feel it. I think it's so important for Kevin to understand the love and loss I had, and that's exactly what he does...understands completely! I will never compare the two loves of my life. I know God has blessed me more than I can ever thank Him for.

I am grateful for the tears today, they were healing beyond belief. The words spoke between Kevin and I were such a blessing...I AM TRULY BLESSED~

It's Time...

The Time Has Come to Live Again

It's been nearly two and a half years since Mike's accident and my girls and I have "grieved well" as my pastor called it. We have overcome the loss of daddy and continued our lives each and every day the way God has led us to do. Sometimes it was hard just to get through the hour, but God held us tight and got us where we are today, which leads me to this blog post....

My girls and I have prayed together for over a year for God to bless us with a special man and his family to be in our lives. We were so ready to embrace the next step of this life...we had faith that God had plans for us and we were looking forward to seeing and believing in His plans. God brought Kevin, his daughter, and his entire family into our lives in such a way, I can't explain in words. They are such a blessing to my girls and I and we will be forever grateful for this blessing!

God has blessed me by being loved and adored by two men in my life and now He is giving me the opportunity to become Kevin's wife. Kevin and I will be getting married at the end of October. This blessing is an amazing testimony of God's faithfulness to us. We couldn't be happier in this new JOurneY and we all are looking forward to starting our lives together...the 6 of us! Seeing my girls with a man they adore as much as he adores them...priceless. Mike was a great dad and they have missed the relationship between a father and a daughter these past two years, they have a great start at an incredible relationship with Kevin, one that only God could have sent. I am looking so forward to being in his daughter's life, she is an amazing girl who is on fire for God and honestly, our four girls act like they have been "sisters" all along!

Please continue to pray for us as we continue to find JOY IN OUR JOURNEY~

God's Calling, I'm Listening

God's Calling...

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.  Prov. 16:9

I thought my life was set and going great as "I" had planned, but as we all know, God had another plan for me. More than two years later, I can honestly say that I have embraced my new life, the one that God has laid down for me. Together we have moved mountains of fear, doubt, change, and spiritual growth. I wouldn't be the confident woman I am today without the Lord guiding and directing me and answering each prayer in His time and in His way.

I have prayed and prayed for months (maybe more like years) for God to "move" me in the direction He wanted me to go with my grief through His healing. I knew God had to be glorified in this tragedy and I am on a mission to do so. We need to realize that we don't live in a perfect world, but we do have a perfect God who we serve always and in times such as these.

In April, He blessed me with the opportunity to speak at a woman's conference at my church and share my story through my grief and how God truly heals. I have just finished facilitating a 13 week GriefShare support group at my church. God touched many lives in those 13 weeks, and I am forever grateful for His blessing of GriefShare.

I have been asked to lead a grief workshop at a women's conference in October in southern Illinois. This is one more blessing God has provided for me to share and spread His word of healing from grief. I am asking for all of you to add me to your prayers as I am preparing for the workshop now. I am constantly listening to His whispers throughout the day for the information to come from Him for me to share with these women. I know He has a plan and He will send the women who need to hear His message on overcoming grief. Thanks so much for all of your prayers as I continue to follow the Lord under His guidance and direction for my life.


Overcoming can be done, if we ask and believe...

Changing One Picture At A Time

Part of the Transition

Last week at this time we were on our way home after a 4 day vacation with Kevin and his daughter. The six of us had more fun than we could have imagined. When we all are together, it's like we always have been and always will be...

Of course, I took tons of pictures of everything we saw and everything we did on our vacation. I will never regret taking pictures that will last a lifetime of the memories we are blessed with daily. We have several very good pictures of all of us together, just the 4 girls, and some of just Kevin and I. I made two photo albums, one for each house and we already have laughed and enjoyed looking through them and talking about the amazing time God gave us. Now, how to display the pictures to the world?

Our house has always been full of family pictures around, being updated as the years go by and as the girls grow up. About a year ago, I felt it was time to take down our big family picture in the living room of Mike and I with our girls. They were so young and I had a really nice picture of them and I to replace it with, so it made the "transition" a little easier. I asked their input before doing so and they were totally good with it. We still have a few pictures on the fridge with daddy and another in the foyer of him with his sweet little girls. I know we will always have some pictures of daddy out, but they are slowly making their way off walls and out of frames. Other than that...our house has memories of him and not many pictures.

Now, our house is being transitioned into new memories being lived out and made daily. As I slowly turn the old pictures over and replace them with the new, like the vacation pictures from last week...it's an awesome feeling...a feeling of a new life ahead. We will always hang onto our pictures and memories of the past, but it's also so important to enJOY the blessings of today that God has given to us. We will always cherish the new and the old, both pictures and memories. As I change out the photos, we will never change out our memories; we are only adding to the photos and memories of the past.

May you find yourself reflecting today upon God's blessings to you through old and new photos as He is such an amazing God that does just that...BLESSES US ABUNDANTLY~

Worshiping...Side by Side...

 Worshiping...Side by Side...

A few weeks ago, God answered yet another prayer for me. Kevin and I worshiped in the house of the Lord together for the first time. This meant to me more than words can say.

In the past, Mike and I always attended church with the girls as a family. I knew it was a special time out of our week, but had no idea just how special until he died. (You can read more about this here.) I struggled many, many Sundays in church without him. I would look around and see husbands and wives joining together in prayer and singing praises and would get a lump in my throat and want to cry.

Kevin and I have prayed together every single day since we have met and finally had the opportunity to worship together. Side by side in the same pew...praying and singing together. It gives me chills remembering the feeling I had that first Sunday. He is a man of God and for that I am forever grateful. He joined my girls and I at our church and got to meet my church family. A few weeks later, I joined him and his whole family at his church. It's amazing how churches have different routines in the way a service is done, but the meat and potatoes of the belief of Jesus Christ being our Lord and Savior is the same. I enjoyed visiting Kevin's church very much. After church, we had dinner at his parent's house with his parents and his sister's family. I love the "family table"...especially after Sunday service.

Many married couples don't worship together for one reason or another. I had that blessing when Mike was here and once again, God has blessed me...worshiping side by side together in the Lord's house. After attending together, we reflect upon the sermon many times throughout the next week and help one another with God's direction in our lives through His word. I look forward to a lifetime of worshiping side by side...

Pictures Speak Or Do They?

Pictures Speak 1,000 Words Or No Words At All

Many of you are not going to agree with this post and wonder why I did what I did yesterday, but just stick with me.

The night after Mike's accident, the officer that investigated his accident came to our house to speak to me about how it all happened and to return Mike's wallet and cell phone. (He had to go through his cell to be sure he wasn't using it at the time of the accident, which he wasn't.) He also mentioned that night, over two years ago, that he had taken pictures at the scene for the investigation and that he didn't suggest me looking at them at that time, but they would be on file forever if I ever wanted to see them. I have kept this in the back of my head all along, but never feeling the "need" to see them......until about 2 months ago.

I started to feel a churning inside me of wanting to see the pictures. I have had a picture in my mind, but that's all it was..."my picture" and not the truth. I prayerfully sought the Lord and told Him that if indeed this churning in my heart was from Him, then light it on fire, otherwise, put it out. The desire continued....

I spoke to two of my dear friends about me seeing the pictures, they had went to the car on the day of the accident to clean it out and recover all of our personal belongings. They had different views on it...one friend was still deeply affected by it and my other friend found peace in going and even said, "I felt like it was Mike's ejection seat to heaven." I continued to pray and talked it over with my new blessing from God ( I won't mention his name on my blog, quite yet). He made me promise to him that I would not go unless he was with me. He wanted to be by my side during such a time as this. We talked about the pro's and con's of going and what may or may not come from it. More grieving? More sadness? But, in my head, I wanted a factual picture of the accident, Mike's car, and the semi. I didn't anticipate even crying, I just wanted to SEE the facts of the accident.

I made a phone call to the sheriff's department and left a message for the officer and just a few days later...there I sat looking at the pictures.

Yesterday was the day, at 4:00pm we met so I could see what I needed to see. I sat there with two blessings by my side. ( My dad came with us too.) Before the pictures were viewed, the officer showed me a scale diagram of the accident and all that had occurred that sunshiny April morning, where they hit and how they landed. It was amazing in a way I can't even put to words. The impact was so hard and the debris everywhere was overwhelming. The first picture handed to me was of Mike's car. It was SO much worse than the image in my head. But, reality hit me and said, "Why wouldn't it be this bad?" The semi was not in much better shape. We looked at three packs of pictures filled with all of the details of the accident. I only asked one question about what was on the car in one of the pictures. Otherwise, I sat and embraced it all.

I feel so bad for the EMT's, firemen, and policemen to be called to a scene such as that. The people driving to work and school that morning will never forget what they saw. I pray for all of them to be released of the sight they endured that morning and for God to heal their hearts as He has ours.

I will NEVER regret going and looking at those pictures yesterday. It was so healing and now, I have "the facts" and the correct picture in my mind. I finally got to see Mike's "ejection seat to heaven". And, I know someday...I will see him again, too!

Dating at 19 VS. Dating at 39

 19 VS. 39...

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.  You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.  Psalm 30:11-12

The verse above speaks volumes for me during this time in my life. I feel like I have "overcome" Mike's death and I am seeing so many blessings God has in store for His plan for my life. He truly has turned my mourning into JOYful dancing and taken my clothes of mourning and clothed me with JOY. There were several moments these past two and a half years, I didn't know when or how I would be clothed with JOY, but here I am..."clothed with JOY"...

I was 19 years old when Mike and I started dating. (He was 29...that doesn't sound right, now that I am the mother of three girls!) Looking back, our conversations were immature and "19 yr old" conversations. We communicated great, but the depth of the conversation wasn't there. All of that came with time and we ended up having a wonderful marriage and awesome communication skills. We had no other responsibilities, in fact we both still lived at home, just ourselves to take care of...free to do what we wanted and go where we wanted at anytime. It was great fun, the freedom of knowing we could come and go as we pleased.

When I considered dating again, I realized this....

I was now 39 years old with not only my heart on the line, but three little girls' hearts as well! 

Prayerfully seeking the Lord, I knew I had to trust Him and know He would lead me to the man that would embrace us all. So, here I am...dating that man. Our conversations and communication are anything but that of a 19 yr. old, we have so much more to talk about with parenting and past heartaches than we care to share sometimes (but, always do). We both love the Lord and draw our strength from Him. The most intimate thing we do together is pray...

Our time alone is far and few between because of schedules and children, but we wouldn't have it any other way. It's who we are now, grown up with tons of responsibility. "Us" time has to wait now, unlike 20 years ago. The depth of our relationship grew quickly, primarily because we are transparent with one another and hold back nothing. There is no room or use for crazy games in a true God filled relationship. I am so thankful for God blessing me once again and showing me his faithfulness. I am praising Him for this second chance...

The end of the verse states..."I might sing praises to you and not be silent"....if any of you have seen me lately, I am not being silent. I am singing praises for His work with this amazing smile that will last a lifetime.

Season~Reason~Lifetime

 A Season, A Reason,  Or A Lifetime

 "People come into your life for a season, reason, or a lifetime."

People have come and gone through my life for many different reasons and seasons and yet many are with me for my lifetime.Yesterday was an end to one of those relationships in a way....our pastor has been reassigned and yesterday was his last day here.

I remember the first time I met Pastor Jeff and his wife. It was the night of Mike's accident and they had come to our house. He was my aunt's pastor and I thought it was the kindest gesture for them to come over and pray and visit with all of us. I had a pastor and we attended a different church. But, his calling on me didn't stop after that night. I went to Sunday night service with my aunt for about a year all while continuing to attend our own church. Pastor Jeff was faithful in guiding and directing me along the way of grief. He was always there for me and my girls, every step of the way. He led me to verses and thoughts I needed in those darkest hours of grieving. He helped me realize how God could heal and restore me from the heartache and all the while supporting me and helping me grow in my faith. I was so glad to join his congregation this past year.

The day he announced he would be leaving in June was nearly 5 months ago and I thought it sounded so far away. I was in great denial....the day came and it was yesterday. As I was getting ready for church yesterday morning, I felt like I was getting ready for a funeral. I was so sad, anticipating the sermon and the sadness I would feel. The service was great and the sermon was fantastic! I had a couple of spells of sadness and tears, but I expected that. I am confident our new pastor will be awesome, I have met him and he is sent through prayer to us, so why should I have any concerns. It's not about "new beginnings", it's about this season of my life is over. Once again, God has moved me in this direction of change and I am learning more and more everyday change is "ok". For those of you reading this and know me, I NEVER have liked change, so you understand how huge this is for me. I have had to learn to "roll" and accept change the past two years and it's not so bad after all.

I had a chance to talk with pastor and his wife after church and the last words he spoke to me were, "Follow your heart."...I felt like these were words from Jesus himself. Since God has led me to a wonderful Holy man recently (see previous blog post), pastor had not left my side in this new JOurneY.

I will be forever grateful to God for placing Pastor Jeff in my life when he did and for all he has done for me. I know God has great plans for him and his new flock. I also know he's a friend for a lifetime and not just a season or for a reason.

This Day Would Come

I Knew This Day Would Come...

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4

Several months ago, as I sat at my kitchen table with my Bible study girls, I was asked, "What are the desires of your heart?" I simply told them that my desire was to have a wonderful husband again someday and for the girls to be blessed with another daddy who loved them. I was praying for this "silently" to myself everyday, but had not "confessed" this to anyone else. I had no specifics, I was praying for God to align us with a Holy man and I knew God was faithful in all He does and He would answer my prayer. After talking this over with them, I decided to write in my journal, my exact desires and pray over it everyday. I also talked to my girls about what their "desires" were for this man. One night after supper, they went around the table and voiced their desires to me and I wrote them down, as well. I needed to do this so when God did bless us with this man, I would know it was from Him. Now, don't get excited, I am NOT announcing I am getting married, today! But, I am letting all of our biggest prayer warriors, support, friends, and family know that indeed, God is faithful. He has brought a special, Holy man into our lives, that loves the Lord as much as we do and we couldn't be in a better place today. Please continue to lift us up to our Heavenly Father for guidance and transition as we follow Him on this new journey. The girls and I are so thankful for all of you staying right by our side the past two years, God has healed our hearts beyond belief and it's time...


Ask and you shall receive, Seek and you shall find, Knock and the door will be open. Matthew 7:7

Still Learning

Still Learning...

There have been several things around the house I have found that only a man can do and do well. I have experienced two of them this past week.

After watering my plants outside the front of our house, I attempted to hang the hose up correctly, but after stepping back and seeing the mess I had created....I tried again and again and FINALLY left it! The front of our house screams "no man lives here"! See, my husband was a "neat freak" and everything had it's place and was close to perfect. No so much anymore! Mike would have had that hose hanging perfect in no time! I realize that women can hang a hose, but sometimes...guys just "get it" and can do it right!

I have only used our grill one other time myself since Mike died and tonight was the second. We had t-bone steaks left in the freezer from buying our quarter beef and I thought, "the girls and I need to treat ourselves"! After two attempts of turning the grill on and finally reading the instructions right in front of me...IT IGNITED! I turned it on low and stood there watching my sweet 4 year old play in the yard. I decided I would pull some weeds while the steaks were cooking...wrong idea! I came back to a HUGE fire! After shutting everything off and the flames finally going out, I started over! Our steaks were delicious and we enjoyed them very much! I had to learn the hard way...stay AT the grill! Lots and lots of woman grill and do an excellent job at it, but at this house, I need more practice!

I took things for granted when Mike was here, but I have learned more and more about being independent and if the hose is crooked and looks ridiculous...let it go...and if the grill is on fire...figure out plan B for supper~

Remember When

Remember When...1993

As I reflect upon every Memorial Day weekend, the year 1993 stands out to me... Mike and I met that weekend!  After talking on the phone for 4 hours on that Sat. night, he came to pick me up on  Sunday evening to go drive around car lots and look for him a new car.  As he walked up the driveway of my grandma and grandpa's house, I looked out the kitchen window with many butterflies in my tummy, and thought to myself, "I'm going to marry him!"  

We were "set up" by a mutual friend and had only talked on the phone the night before we met, so I was extra nervous in "seeing" him, but when we met...the rest is history.  We never looked back~ 

What became of that Memorial Day weekend is history and a memory I will never forget, yet cherish forever.  Nineteen years of laughs, heartache, joy, happiness, frustrations, and blessings all sent from God.  I wouldn't trade any of it for anything, even the worst days of our marriage and parenting.  We learned from it and grasped onto the only One who could get us through.  Each incident grew us closer together as husband and wife as well as our relationship with Christ. I am so proud of fulfilling our wedding vows...until death do us part.

I miss my husband and the life we had, but I also know that this is not it for the girls and I...we are praying for God to fulfill the desires of our hearts and continue to bless us with the life ahead.

Summer Pictures

Make Memories/Take Pictures

I woke up at 2:36 this morning and looked over at the clock, noticing the little red light at the bottom wasn't on...the "alarm set" button was not on.  What came to mind next, OH YEAH...IT'S SUMMER BREAK AND WE DON'T NEED AN ALARM!  Today is the first full day of summer break for my girls.  We plan to make lots of memories this summer, as we do everyday.  We learned over two years ago that each and everyday is a priceless gift from heaven.  

We have always been a family who thought pictures at special occasions were important, now we think everyday is a special occasion.  We have tons and tons of photos through the years and when Mike died, they all became much more precious to us.  The girls will forever have pictures of him holding them as babies, playing with them in the snow, and all of those birthday and Christmas shots!  

Once again, the girls and I are going to have a great summer making memories together.  No one can ever take away memories.  Pictures can get lost or destroyed, but nothing can take memories from you.  We don't have any "major" plans or vacation planned, although, we hope to get away for a little bit at some point after ballgames and horseback riding are done for the season.

I encourage you to take some real time with your family and friends this summer, enjoying the beauty God has created in this season.  Make special memories and take lots of pictures.  Even if you are one who "doesn't like their picture taken"...DO IT!  Your family and friends love you and they want to share these great memories with the next generation for years to come.  

I will be praying everyone has a safe and wonderful fun filled summer, with lots of pictures to show for it~

God's Lead to GriefShare

God Leads, I Trust

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

The above verse has spoke loudly to me for quite awhile, I knew God would bring blessings out of our storm.  I knew He could and would turn our "mess" into a "message".  I have seen several wonderful blessings come out of such a tragic day.  It's taken a lot of time and healing to completely realize they are truly blessings sent from God.  

Our sermon last Sunday was about when we trust God, He can trust us with something and if we do well with it, He will continue to bless us with more and more and so on.  This really hit home for me.  I have known for several months that God was calling me to facilitate a GriefShare group here in our town.  After a lot of prayer and support, next week GriefShare will be offered to those in need of God's healing touch after the loss of a loved one.  I am honored to be facilitating this group and have a great team on board with me.  I know God has great plans for this ministry.  Please keep all of those in attendance in your prayers.  I feel like this is one of the blessings that God is providing after our tragedy and I will welcome it with an open heart, wide eyes, and listening ears.

Today in my devotional, Jesus Calling (Sarah Young)...Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life.  The problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth.  Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them.  View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me.

When you start to feel stress, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me.  Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us.  Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom.  Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.

(John 15:5, 2 Corin.1:8-9, Eph. 5:20)

Please take some time and browse the website for GriefShare if you or someone you know are grieving a loss.

www.griefshare.org

Relationships (Gma's 82nd bday)

Priceless Relationships

Today our family will be celebrating my grandma's 82nd birthday.  She is an amazing woman.  She is known around town by many as she worked in the public for several years.  Her and my grandpa raised me after my parents divorced at age 5.  I can't tell you how blessed I am to have had the opportunity to be with them all of those years.  They have helped mold me into who I am today.  She is the most loving person and doesn't see wrong in anyone.  (We tease her because she thought O.J. Simpson was innocent all those years!  LOL)  Her life IS being with us and taking care of our needs.  That is what has "kept her going" all of these years.  She loves every minute of it!  

Which makes me reflect upon all of the relationships I have now since Mike died and how some have faded and some have grown.  For the most part, most have grown.  The day he died and for days to come, I saw and heard from people I hadn't for several years.  His death has restored many friendships and for that I am forever grateful.  Some widows mention of how they are "alone" and without the connection of friends, my heart hurts for them.  God has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined with friends and family helping in every dimension.  He always meets my needs, no matter what with someone there to help.  Help of any kind....from physical help to emotional help of listening or giving advice.  I am truly blessed with the relationships I have today.  

These relationships will never replace the relationship Mike and I had as husband and wife, but they are priceless in so many other ways.  I will always remember each and every one of these friendships and the importance of it and how it has touched me and my girls.

My Maker, My Husband

My Maker, My Husband

For your Maker is your husband-

the Lord Almighty is his name-

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

he is called the God of all the earth.  Isaiah 54:5

Last week as you know, we had a 4th birthday in our house.  She still had her pacifier (I can't believe I just confessed that on the internet!). When she turned two, Mike mentioned to me that we needed to get rid of it and I agreed because she was already twice as old as the older girls when they got rid of their "paci".  So, we had her down to naps and bedtime with her paci UNTIL his accident and then she had her friend more than ever.  She found such comfort in it, I couldn't take it from her.  With her 4th birthday on it's way, I talked to her about how she was a little girl and not a baby and didn't need it anymore. She decided she would "give" it away to a baby we knew.  She went to her closet, got a dress out to also give the little one along with her paci.  The actual "giving" it away was easy...several nights have been easier than others...and that brings me to this blog post.  Last night...NOT SO EASY!  She cried and cried for her paci at bedtime.  As I struggled to keep her in her bed and in her room as she cried, I kept praying and thinking to myself, "what if Mike were here, what would we be doing different than I am doing right now?"  She finally managed to stay in her bed and after about 10 more minutes of crying she fell asleep.  As I laid in my bed, listening to her cry and beg for her paci, my heart broke for her because I knew how she felt.  It gave her such comfort and now it was gone.  Like my husband did for me...husbands make us feel safe and secure.  

As she was crying, I was crying out to God for comfort and strength to fall upon her like never before and for Him to bless her with the peace only He could offer.  And, that's what He did...she fell asleep, and slept all night.  

I have read the above scripture many times, but thought, "yeah right, how can my Maker be my husband?"...well, I can tell you last night I found out!  I didn't need Mike here with me to calm her down and comfort her, ALL I needed WAS my Maker.  I felt complete guidance and peace.  I know if Mike would have been here, we would have been beside ourselves and had a much longer ordeal because we would have been trying to continue to "do it ourselves", but I didn't have a choice...I turned to God, prayed and He took care of it for me.  I hate that my little one is without her friend in some ways and I hated to go through what we did last night, but on the other hand, I am so grateful for it because I realized Isaiah 54:5 is true~

God's Word through Music

There have been a few times in the past two years that I have thought to myself, "I wonder what Mike would think and say to me and the girls IF he could walk through that kitchen door?"  I know he wouldn't be happy about the "junk" drawer not being organized anymore and his poor garage...he wouldn't even recognize it.  It's such a disaster!  LOL  He would be amazed at how his little girls have grown up and are heading to become such Godly girls and love Jesus.  I am posting the song below because when I hear it, I think, "yep, those are the things my hubby would say to me."  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do...

The Words I Would Say - Sidewalk Prophets

Many, many people have asked me, "how I do it"?  I have to be honest and say, I don't do it alone.  God has called me here and it's only with His help I CAN DO THIS~  I pray everyday to glorify Him throughout each moment of my life.  The song below touches me deeply and I hope it does you as well...


Bring the Rain - Mercy Me

2 yrs. Already

2 yrs. Already...

Exactly two years ago right now I was still a wife...for about another hour.  It's amazing how quickly time passes.  I got up that Thursday morning excited to be going on a field trip with fourth graders...life went from excitement to devastation with one phone call.

What is it about "dates"?  For the longest time EVERY 29th of EVERY month, I would think to myself...it's been X amount of months since I have seen Mike, heard his voice, and so on.  Dates are hard to get "past".  I don't think about the 29th coming around every month anymore...only on April 29.  Forever this day will be a special one for us.  

Today marks a huge milestone...our youngest daughter had just turned 2 (6 days before Mike died) and this past week she had a birthday, the big 4!  For me when I look back, she has lived half her life WITH daddy and half her life WITHOUT him.  This is the kind of thing that hurts me...for her not to remember much at all about him.  Of course, we all talk about him, but she has no idea how much she was loved and what she missed.  She never will...love is not a word we can describe to her about how her daddy felt about her.  She hasn't really "known" the relationship between a daddy and his daughter.  

The girls and I will head to the cemetery this morning before church, put out new flowers and place a new angel by the stone.  We won't be mournful today, although we may have a tear now and then.  But, we will be celebrating the day daddy met Jesus and not the "day" we lost him.  Because of God's promise of eternal life, we WILL see him again.  We will be going to the zoo today celebrating daddy's big day.  He loved taking the girls to the zoo.  (I think he liked it better than they did!)  I feel like we have to continue to "live the legacy".  We will have a great day.

I will find myself going back to April 29, 2010, and how that day unfolded and changed our lives forever.  I think it's the "human" in me...but, I will not get caught up in the "poor me" of it all.  I have great support of family and friends who have gotten me through and today will be no different.  I praise God for each and every one of them...

Ecclesiastes 3:4 A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to heal...

God is on the Move

God is Movin'

As this week began, I felt God calling me to fast and give up my "down time" on Facebook. I don't spend hours on Facebook, but my fair share. I love the connection with friends and family of far and near. It's not a waste of time for me, as I see it as a chance to pray for those requesting prayer and so on. But, I knew this week was going to be filled with many blessings. I know God is ALWAYS moving, if I can "see" it or not, I know He is...it's all the "behind the scenes" stuff in my life that He is doing in order to reveal His blessings. Even unanswered prayers, are truly answered in His way...not ours. Besides my daily bible reading, devotional time, and praying, I felt like I needed to be more in tune to the blessings around me.

Tuesday brought an amazing sight to our backyard, one that we have prayed for and been blessed indeed with from God and this community in which we live. The digging began for my daughter's handicap bathroom addition to our house. This will give her much needed independence and all of the correct equipment she is in need of having as she is growing from a little girl to a young lady. When we built our home, 9 yrs. ago, we could "throw" her into the bathtub...not the case today. We are so grateful for our friends and family for making this dream come true~from the donations of money to all of the hard work, we are amazed once again by the love shown to us!

I have been praying for several months for God to "move" me and show me what I was suppose to do with this story He had given me. I have the drive to speak about it, but how was that going to happen? He knew....a few months ago, I was asked to speak at our church at the woman's retreat and "tell" my story and testimony of how God has been there all along...Saturday is the day for God to answer that prayer for me. Praising Him all the way. See, when I thought He wasn't hearing me, He was preparing the ladies in charge of the retreat and lining everything all up for this prayer to be answered. He is movin'...

Sunday will be the 2 yr. mark of daddy meeting Jesus and going to heaven. We will mourn some, but for the most part we will rejoice in the awesome thought of being with him again someday. Time is totally different for these little girls than for myself. I had to realize a long time ago, that they "get over" things a lot sooner and their timeline is a lot different than mine. They love going to the cemetery and seeing daddy's picture on his stone. The little girls take baby wipes out of the van and wipe off the stone and clean it all up when we are there. The funny part is, Mike was a "clean freak" and he would love it that they are keeping it so nice and clean. We will take some new fresh flowers, stay a short bit and be gone. We don't ponder and cry there anymore...it's all in part of the healing. We will be spending our day at the zoo. Mike and the girls loved going to the zoo (mommy, not so much!) so that's where we will be spending our day. In memory of a great daddy who would be loving the Sunday afternoon with his favorite people. I feel I have to show the girls how important it is to celebrate his life and going to heaven and not just the sadness of how we may feel from day to day of not having him here with us.

This is just a glimmer of how God is moving this week in my life. I know He is on the "move" in many more dimensions of my life, but they will soon reveal themselves. So, I will continue to fast from Facebook the next few days and dig a little deeper in prayer and being closer to Him as this week unfolds.

What areas in your life is God moving? What areas do you think He isn't moving? Spend some time in prayer and you will be amazed at what He is doing...some you can "see" and others you can't....

Bittersweet 4th Birthday

Bittersweet 4th Birthday

Like this morning, four years ago today I was up bright and early. I had butterflies in my stomach and was so excited to be heading to the hospital for my third c-section! God had been good to us, He had blessed us with another child...later to find out another girl! She was born at 12:35 p.m. to a very proud mommy and daddy and two sisters at home. Her first birthday was like all other first birthdays, party with cake and presents and lots of fun! The second birthday holds many more memories for me. Mike had worked third shift the night before and when he got home, he thought we ought to take her out for the day for her birthday. The bigger girls were in school, so we had "baby" girl to ourselves that day. We went shopping and out to eat lunch. That night we gave her our presents and ate dinner, but her party was scheduled for the following weekend. But, in between her second birthday and the "following weekend".......daddy met Jesus. The day after Mike died, someone asked me what my plans were for her birthday party and I told them, I wasn't going to take that away from her so we would be having it as planned. We did, but I was in such a fog. The pictures reveal the sadness and shock, they show the rawness of that time. She was having a lot of fun, as all two year olds do at their birthday party. See, the sadness for me today is that she had her daddy here for two birthdays and now she's been without him for two birthdays. Half of her life she has already been without her daddy. Two is such a young age, she only has one major memory of him. All the other memories are those that have been told to her. Mike loved all of his girls SO much. He always said to me, "Mommy, no matter what she will always be your baby girl." Those words are spoken often when talking to her about her daddy. I am sad that he was here for only two years of her life and now already she is without him for two. But, last night after her party we were talking and I reassured her that she would spend many, many, many more birthdays in heaven with daddy than here on earth. And, her response was WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO~


Gotta love the excitement of birthdays in heaven in the eyes of a 4 yr. old! Take a minute today and hug your spouse tight and just think of all the birthday parties you have had together with your children...each one is a blessing!

Where to sit in church?

Where to sit in church?

I have always been a faithful person and attending church all my life is what I grew up doing. Mike, the girls, and I had recently (about 6 months before his death) started to attend a different church and were loving it very much. The congregation embraced us from the start. The day of Mike's accident, the pastor was on this way up north for a family vacation and when he got the call, they turned around and headed home, cancelling their trip to be with us. That is the kind of love we were shown weekly! I so much appreciated that gesture of kindness. As the weeks of returning to church after his death became more and more difficult, I wondered what in the world could be wrong with me. My faith was growing by the day, I loved the Lord, I didn't have any anger toward anyone...I was struggling with going to church. I went alone, I took the girls with me, we sat in different places around the church, nothing seemed to help. I was miserable sitting in church listening to the sermons and singing praises, but couldn't figure out why. I would go on Sunday morning to our church and then on Sunday nights with my aunt to her church and there I would feel like "I was being filled". This was what I needed, wanted, and always had had in the past. So, one day when pastor came to visit me, I explained my struggle and how I didn't understand how my faith could be growing and I felt God so close to me, but why was "going to church" so difficult. He had the answer immediately, he explained that when you are in church with your spouse, you are side by side worshiping and praising the Lord....it's a very intimate time in our week. He told me that only 10% of widows stay at their previous church once their husband passes away. This all made such sense to me. I got it! When we are at home, we are room to room and so on, but in church...it is intimate and worship is such a special time. I felt so much better discussing this with him and realizing that I wasn't going "crazy" in not wanting to go to church and wondering as I walked in there where I would sit and "be comfortable"...

My girls and I have since left that church (pastor retired and some other issues lead us to leave). Just two weeks ago, we joined our new church family. It was a great feeling to join "our" church...it was a big step because now that I am the spiritual leader of our home it was up to me. God lead me every step of the way. I can sit anywhere and feel comfortable and know that God has lead us to our new church home for some major growth and healing~

Feelings of Easter

As I anticipate tomorrow being Easter, I find myself struggling with yet, another holiday without my husband.  I have a lump in my throat today, have been feeling very angry, anxious, and until now just realized why.  Weekends are always the hardest for me and the girls to "get through", but holidays are the absolute worst.  Easter was our last holiday with Mike, we had a wonderful day that started out with the opening of the girls' Easter baskets before church and then a great dinner and egg hunt at my mom and step-dad's house.  We have many, many cherished pictures from that day, including some from church...I never take my camera to church, but for some reason I did.  (God knew why...)  The picture on the home page of my blog shows us at church. Mike always enjoyed helping the girls find eggs and then open and see what great treasures were in them.  He was as competitive as the kids!  I think another reason for this being such an especially hard time for me is because of the holiday in itself.  For me to think what Jesus went through before even reaching the cross and then dying on the cross for me so I can and will be with Him and Mike for eternity...I can't say "thank you" enough.  Praising Him everyday of my life isn't enough...I am so thankful, but words aren't enough...I do know that He IS enough for me on this day and all of my "good" days and all of my "bad" days.  I know I will always have worse days and worse holidays than others, but Easter is so amazing and takes my breathe away, like a feeling I have no other time of the year.  If you find yourself missing a loved one today or any day, praise the Lord for his great sacrifice for us so we WILL see them again!  I will pray for God to give us all the comfort tomorrow only He can give...

Many people have told me that their marriage and relationships have changed since Mike's accident.  They now see not to take life for granted and to cherish each and every day with their spouse.  Hearing those words have helped me in coping with his death.  Starting tomorrow, I will be posting on my blog daily, "The Love Dare" 40 day challenge (as featured in the movie "Fireproof").   You can start your challenge on Wed. and continue through Lent. Each day I will give an overview of the "Love Dare" from the book.  I feel led to do this because Mike's death has changed lives and he's not here for me to enrich our marriage, so I pray for each of you and your marriage as we journey through this amazing book.  I know God has great blessings ahead for your marriage. 

You may find info. about the book "The Love Dare" at http://www.lovedarebook.com/.

After loosing a loved one, you look around you and see everyone else going on with their lives.  How can the hustle and bustle of life go on when you are still hurting?  I remember thinking, at some point I have to get back in the swing of things and return  going out to Walmart and the grocery store and seeing people.  I prayed that no one would say anything and "pretend" nothing ever happened.  Something had happened, and that was the truth I had to come to grips with in my head.  Part of my healing has been that this is real and until I face the grocery store conversations with people and heart to heart break downs with my loved ones and everything in between, I am not allowing God to completely heal me like He wants to do.  I had to get back on the merry go round called life, but wasn't sure how to "hop" back on....slow and steady I did.  The ride is completely different now, but it is a good ride.  All because I have chosen to let God drive and I am just along for the ride....
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28

Valentine's Day...happy?  Well, if I think about the love I was once given by my husband and the love Jesus Christ gives me every day...yes, this day is happy!  Until I meet both of them someday...I will dig out some old Valentine's Day cards Mike had given me and laugh and cry.  My focus for the day will be God's word...
1Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

Have you ever thought about when you leave this earth and your loved ones go through your personal belongings what they may find?  For me it was my husband's wallet.  As soon as I could think and had the time...I went through it.  I knew he had nothing to hide, but the story he carried in it was amazing.  First, he had NO money in it, which was absolutely not a surprise!  He NEVER carried cash, but I did find two receipts for the gas staion near his work.  One was from the day before when he had filled his car with gas, the other was from the very morning of his car accident.  In fact, the time on the receipt was 6:45 a.m. and the 911 call came just 45 minutes later.  He had bought...a coffee and jalapeno chips!  Yep, that's my man!  He enjoyed life right up until the end...
There were several pictures of our family, one of myself, each of the girls at different ages, debit card, you know the usual.  But tucked in a safe place, I found a little pink piece of paper.  I was so anxious to read it and I remember my heart pounding.  When I started to read it, my heart dropped because this piece of paper really told who my husband was.  The paper asked 5 questions...What has God done?  What does the Bible say?  What is God like?  What am I like?  What is stonger than God? 
What may your wallet tell your family about you?

Be still, and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

This has been a favorite verse of mine for years, but as I studied and listened to the words over and over, they continued to speak and comfort me more and more.  In all situations of our lives, we need to be still and KNOW that God is God.  God had the opportunity to change things for us that April morning, but He chose not to...April 29th was the day Mike was to meet Jesus.  I have to always remember that, when I am wanting to question why we are where we are today.  God is so much bigger than any tragedy, we may be going through in our lives.  He has always proven that, it's hard to accept those promises when we are in the mist of the valley. 
Last year I attended a 10 week grief class and at that class, pastor had us inhale while thinking, "Be still...and exhaling, while thinking, and know that I am God."  I have done this night after night as I have found it hard to get to sleep after a long day and then going to bed alone.  I can't express how relaxing it is, to think that all I have to do is, "be still"...and God is God.  I always fall fast asleep...hope you will find comfort and rest in knowing God's promise to us...

Everyone has a story.  When the five of us would go somewhere, you could look at us with a child in a wheelchair and know we had a story.  But, to us this was our life and not a "story".  Wheelchairs, walkers, leg braces, medical supplies, and special needs equipment was a way of life for us since we began parenting.  We embraced the "title" from the beginning, knowing God had placed a special little girl in our hands to love, adore, teach, and parent.  We could never love her more with or without spina bifida.  When we were blessed with the younger girls, we had our hands full to say the least.  I would often say to Mike, "We are going to look back someday and wonder how we did it."  The day he died, one thought that kept coming to my mind....I didn't want another "story", we already had a "story"!  These thoughts kept coming and coming, like when the girls graduate and the whispers of, "Remember when...."  I have given all of those thoughts to Jesus, because this is HIS story and not mine.  I didn't write this script, I'm just living it.  Now, I will look back someday and wonder how "I" have raised the girls without him.  I have had more prayers, love, and support than I could ever imagine .  God has written the perfect "story" for us, it just took me a long time to realize it!  Every single one of you reading this has a story.  For some of you, everyone may know your story, but for others... no one knows it.  As we learn to accept our life story and realize because of God's script, we are who we are today....it's the perfect story and we would not change a thing.

As I continue on my journey of being a widow, I have come to realize how important it is to take care of me.  I always have been the caregiver to everyone, that's what moms do, right?  I wouldn't change it for the world and am so blessed to have always been able to be at home with our girls.  But, about six months into being a widow, I thought something HAS to give.  I am dad and mom now and have more and more demands daily.  I was taking no time for me.  I try to "set aside" time everyday for me to enjoy something I like.  Somedays it isn't time at all, it's connecting with a friend, having an extra cup of coffee in the afternoon (I am a one a day cup girl), or honestly complete silence is fine once in a while.  I really and truly believe we all need some time alone everyday to gather our thoughts and prayers and "do" something for ourselves.    ALL of us are run short and life demands way too much from us. Of course we all love our families, but they will benefit as well. As I leave you, ponder this...aren't you worth it?

Today starts the month of love...February.  It's not the same as it used to be for me, but I try to look at it differently now than in the past, as I do with almost every aspect of life.  I praise God and am thankful for the years I did celebrate love being a wife.  But, now I see there is so much more to it...our girls are the outcome and blessings of our love.  I love each and every one of them more and more everyday.  I now realize how short life is and to cherish every moment.  Mike was always showing and telling us how much he loved us and yes, I miss it...but, it will be forever be in our hearts and memories.  Please find time to tell the ones you love just how much you love them, don't think you may have tomorrow.   Our Heavenly Father loves us unconditionally no matter what we may have done or not done.  Remember, only He can fulfill you with the true meaning of love.

After finding enough courage to watch the movie "Courageous" this past weekend, I am praising God for the  awesome husband and daddy we had  to love and adore us.    The movie shows how important it is for men to be what God intended for men and how the world around us has let Him down.  But, drawing near to Him and putting our focus back on God and our family, amazing blessings can happen.  I am thanking God for the wonderful years we had with Mike and am not mad about the years we missed out on.  We all have a "dad" story...your dad may have been the best ever, a dad that lived in your house, but you never knew or had a relationship with him, or he may be a person you had never even met...or like my girls, had a great dad and he's living with Jesus now.  Whatever relationship in the past, it doesn't have to continue to hurt you, grief you, or follow you...Jesus Christ is there to heal you.  I pray daily for God to heal our daughters grieving hearts and for Him to repair them where they need healed.  I know He will and can do the same for you.  I encourage EVERY family to watch this life changing movie and see blessings pour out from generation to generation.

I was called to start this blog sometime ago, but thought..."No God, don't ask me to do something as hard as that."  As this past year as went by, the yearning has never left and I am saying, "YES, GOD!" today!  I hope you will find laughs, encouragement, faith, hope and lots and lots of JOY here.  I will share a little bit about myself now, but you can refer to the side note at any time.  Our journey started many years ago, but it wasn't until my husband and daddy of our three little girls died that we found JOY in our JOurneY.